When Your Young Adult Wants to Visit Someone New Out-of-State: Finding Balance Between Trust and Safety
That moment lands differently, doesn’t it? Your 19-year-old daughter, bright-eyed and maybe a little nervous but determined, tells you she wants to book a flight to another state. Not for a college tour or a long-planned family trip, but to visit a guy. A guy you’ve never met, whose background feels like a blank page, and whose city is just a dot on a map far from home. Your heart might skip a beat, a wave of protectiveness crashes over you, and a million questions start racing. This scenario is incredibly common, yet deeply personal and often fraught with worry. How do you navigate this as a parent when your child is legally an adult, but still feels so much like your kid?
First, Acknowledge the Reality (and Your Feelings)
It’s completely normal to feel anxious, protective, and even a little blindsided. Your instincts are screaming for a reason – you love her and want her safe. Suppressing those feelings won’t help. Instead, name them: “Honey, I hear you’re excited, and honestly, this makes me feel quite anxious because we don’t know this person or much about where you’d be staying.” This honesty sets the stage for a real conversation, not an argument. Remember, she’s 19. Legally, she can make this decision without your permission. Approaching it as a collaborator rather than a gatekeeper is far more effective and respectful of her growing autonomy.
Shifting Gears: From “No” to “Let’s Talk Safety”
Instead of leading with a flat “no” (which often leads to secrecy or defiance), pivot the conversation towards practical safety and planning. This shows concern without dismissing her feelings. Here’s where to focus:
1. “Help Us Get to Know Him, Virtually First”: Insist on a video call. Not a quick hello, but a proper conversation. Before any tickets are booked, arrange a family Zoom or FaceTime. Encourage your daughter to be part of this. Prepare some open-ended questions: How did they meet? What does he do? What are his interests? What are his plans for showing her around his city/state? You’re not conducting an interrogation, but gathering basic information and assessing his demeanor. Does he seem respectful? Engaged? Does his story add up? Trust your gut instincts during this call.
2. Digging Deeper (Discreetly): While respecting privacy, basic online sleuthing is reasonable. A quick search of his name, location, and any social media profiles he might have (with your daughter’s knowledge) can offer some context. Does his online presence align with what he told you? Are there any glaring red flags? Avoid deep dives that feel invasive, but surface-level checks are prudent.
3. The Where and How Matters: Get specifics.
Accommodation: Where exactly will she be staying? His place? A friend’s? A hotel? If staying with him or friends, are there other people around? A hotel, while more expensive, often feels safer initially.
Location Sharing: Non-negotiable. Ensure she agrees to share her live location with you (via phone settings) for the duration of the trip. It’s a simple safety net.
Itinerary & Check-ins: Ask for a rough plan. Doesn’t need to be minute-by-minute, but knowing generally where she plans to be (e.g., “Exploring downtown during the day, dinner out, back to the apartment in the evening”) is helpful. Establish regular check-in times (e.g., a quick text morning and night).
Transportation: How will she get around locally? Is public transport safe? Rideshares? Does he have a reliable car?
Emergency Plan: Does she have enough money readily accessible for a taxi, a last-minute hotel room, or an emergency flight home? Does she know the address and contact number where she’s staying by heart? Have important numbers saved (local police, embassy if needed).
4. Open Communication is Key: Emphasize, “Nothing you encounter on this trip should ever make you feel like you can’t call us, day or night. If anything feels ‘off,’ uncomfortable, or unsafe, we will help you figure it out immediately, no questions asked initially, and definitely no blame.” This is crucial. She needs to know your support is unconditional, especially if things go sideways.
Respecting Her Adulthood While Offering Guidance
This is perhaps the hardest part. She is an adult. She will make choices you might not agree with, and she will make mistakes. Your role now is shifting:
Express Concerns, Don’t Dictate: Frame your worries as “I” statements: “I worry because we haven’t met him,” not “You can’t go because we haven’t met him.”
Focus on Her Judgment: Ask her questions to help her assess the situation: “What makes you feel comfortable about this plan?” “What would you do if you felt uncomfortable there?” “Have you thought about [specific safety concern]?” This empowers her critical thinking.
Set Boundaries Where You Can: While you can’t forbid the trip, you can be clear about your financial involvement if applicable. “We understand you want to do this. We’re not comfortable funding a trip to visit someone we’ve never met, but we can help you think through budgeting if you’re using your own savings.”
The Power of “We’d Feel Better If…”: Instead of demands, phrase safety requests as what would ease your mind: “We’d feel a lot better if we could have that video chat with him before you book anything,” or “We’d feel more comfortable knowing you’ve got location sharing on.”
The Bigger Picture: Trust and Growth
This request, while nerve-wracking, is a sign of her growing independence and exploration of the world and relationships. It tests your ability to trust the values and judgment you’ve helped instill in her over the past 19 years. It’s about finding that delicate balance between protecting her and allowing her the space to navigate young adulthood, including its risks and rewards.
By focusing on safety planning, open communication, and respectful collaboration, you move beyond a simple “yes” or “no.” You demonstrate that you take her feelings seriously while making your concerns heard. You equip her with practical tools and the assurance that your support is unwavering. It won’t erase all the worry – parenting rarely offers that luxury – but it transforms a potential battleground into an opportunity for connection, preparation, and the gradual, sometimes scary, process of letting go. That flight might represent her journey towards independence; your role is to ensure she has the best possible map and safety gear for the trip.
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