When “Unreasonable” Feels Personal: How to Tell If You’re Overreacting or Being Gaslit
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone’s behavior made you question your own sanity? Maybe a friend canceled plans last-minute again and acted like it was no big deal, or a coworker snapped at you for a minor mistake and insisted you were “too sensitive” when you called it out. In moments like these, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt: “Am I being unreasonable… or am I just tripping?”
This mental tug-of-war is more common than you think. Emotional boundaries, communication styles, and cultural expectations all shape how we interpret fairness and reasonableness. Let’s unpack why this confusion happens and how to navigate it without losing your grip on reality.
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The Gray Area Between “Unfair” and “Overreacting”
Humans are wired to seek fairness. Studies show that even toddlers react strongly to unequal treatment. But as adults, our perceptions of fairness become tangled with past experiences, insecurities, and societal conditioning. For example:
– Cultural norms: In some cultures, direct confrontation is seen as rude; in others, it’s a sign of honesty.
– Personal history: If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed, you might second-guess your reactions as an adult.
– Power dynamics: A boss or family member might frame their unreasonable demands as “normal,” leaving you wondering if you’re the problem.
This ambiguity often leads to a frustrating cycle: You feel hurt → question your own judgment → suppress your needs → resentment builds → repeat.
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Classic Scenarios That Trigger Self-Doubt
Let’s break down everyday situations where the line between “unreasonable” and “overreacting” feels blurry:
1. The Broken Promise Loop
Someone repeatedly flakes on plans, forgets commitments, or downplays their actions. When you express disappointment, they say, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” Suddenly, you’re the “dramatic” one.
Why it messes with your head: Chronic dismissiveness can make you feel like your basic expectations are too much. But expecting reliability from people who claim to care about you isn’t unreasonable—it’s human.
2. The “You’re Too Sensitive” Defense
You call out a disrespectful comment or exclusionary behavior, only to be told you’re “reading too much into it” or “can’t take a joke.”
Why it messes with your head: Gaslighting—a form of manipulation that makes you doubt your reality—often starts here. Over time, this erodes your confidence in distinguishing genuine harm from harmless banter.
3. The Silent Treatment Standoff
After a disagreement, someone shuts down communication entirely, refusing to engage until you apologize or drop the issue.
Why it messes with your head: Stonewalling triggers primal fears of abandonment. You might convince yourself that you caused the conflict, even if the other person’s refusal to communicate is the real issue.
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How to Figure Out Which Side You’re On
Before spiraling into self-blame, ask yourself these questions:
1. Would I judge someone else for feeling this way?
Imagine a friend described your exact situation. Would you tell them they’re overreacting? If not, extend that same empathy to yourself.
2. Is there a pattern?
One-off incidents can be misunderstandings. But if someone consistently dismisses your feelings or violates boundaries, that’s a red flag—not a reflection of your rationality.
3. What’s my body saying?
Physical reactions (a racing heart, stomach knots) often signal genuine distress. While anxiety can amplify emotions, ignoring bodily cues entirely risks invalidating your needs.
4. What do trusted outsiders think?
Describe the situation to someone impartial. If they react with, “Wait, that’s not okay,” you’re likely not “tripping.”
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Strategies to Regain Clarity (and Sanity)
1. Name the dynamic.
Labeling the behavior helps depersonalize it. Instead of thinking, “Am I crazy?” ask: “Is this person being dismissive/defensive/passive-aggressive?” Framing it as their behavior—not your flaw—creates mental distance.
2. Use “I feel” statements.
Shift from accusatory language (“You’re so unreliable!”) to expressing your experience (“I feel hurt when plans change last-minute because I value our time together”). This reduces defensiveness and clarifies your stance.
3. Set a boundary—even silently.
You don’t need someone’s permission to protect your peace. If a person habitually crosses lines, limit exposure or adjust expectations. For example: “I’ll attend the meeting, but I won’t engage if the conversation turns hostile.”
4. Embrace the “Both can be true” mindset.
You might overreact and the other person might be unreasonable. Acknowledging this duality reduces shame and helps you address your part without excusing theirs.
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When “Unreasonable” Is a Warning Sign
Sometimes, the confusion itself is a clue. Psychologist Brené Brown notes that true belonging requires “being brave enough to stand alone” when something feels off. If you’re chronically questioning your reactions in a relationship—whether with a partner, friend, or employer—it may signal a deeper imbalance of power or respect.
As author Natalie Lue writes, “Unreasonable people rely on your reasonableness to keep getting away with their behavior.” Recognizing this pattern is the first step to breaking free from self-doubt.
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Final Thought: Trust Your “Glitch”
That nagging voice asking, “Am I tripping?” isn’t always a flaw—it’s a built-in alert system. Sometimes it’s overactive (thanks, anxiety!), but often, it’s picking up on subtle red flags your conscious mind hasn’t processed yet. Instead of silencing it, get curious. The more you practice validating your own experiences, the less power “Am I unreasonable?” will hold over you.
After all, the goal isn’t to be perfectly rational 24/7—it’s to stop gaslighting yourself.
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