When Daycares Assume Moms Are Default Parents—And Why That’s a Problem
Picture this: A daycare sends out a cheerful email titled “Fun Craft Ideas for Rainy Days!” to parents. The activity suggestions are creative, the tone is lighthearted, and the message ends with a smiley emoji. But when a dad checks his inbox, he finds nothing. Later, his partner mentions the email casually. Confused, he wonders: Why didn’t I get this?
This scenario isn’t hypothetical. A growing number of families are noticing that daycares and preschools often send informal, activity-focused updates only to mothers, while fathers receive logistical emails about payments, schedules, or policy reminders. At first glance, it might seem harmless—even practical. After all, moms have historically shouldered more caregiving responsibilities. But this subtle communication gap reveals a deeper cultural issue: the assumption that mothers are default parents.
The Hidden Message in “Fun” Emails
Daycares aren’t intentionally sidelining dads. Many staff members operate under unconscious biases shaped by decades of societal norms. When crafting newsletters or event invitations, educators might default to addressing moms because “that’s how it’s always been done.” A preschool teacher admitted anonymously: “We often assume moms handle the hands-on stuff—like crafts or field trips—so we send those updates to them. Dads usually handle paperwork, so billing emails go their way.”
But these assumptions reinforce outdated stereotypes. By funneling “fun” content to moms and administrative tasks to dads, institutions inadvertently send a message: Moms nurture; dads manage. This not only limits fathers’ opportunities to engage in creative, bonding activities with their kids but also places an unequal mental load on mothers.
The Ripple Effect on Families
For moms, being the sole recipient of playful updates can feel overwhelming. “I’m already coordinating meals, doctor appointments, and playdates,” says Rachel, a mother of two. “When the daycare adds ‘plan a DIY science experiment!’ to my inbox, it’s another item on my never-ending checklist. Why isn’t my husband getting these ideas too?”
Dads, meanwhile, feel excluded from meaningful moments. James, a father in Colorado, shares: “I didn’t even know about the daycare’s ‘Donuts with Dads’ event until my daughter asked why I didn’t go. Turns out, the invite went to my wife’s email. It stung—like they didn’t think I’d care.” Such oversights can strain relationships, as fathers feel undervalued in their caregiving roles.
Children also internalize these patterns. When institutions treat moms as primary nurturers, kids learn to view fathers as secondary figures. A 2022 study in Child Development found that preschoolers whose fathers were actively involved in daily caregiving tasks showed stronger emotional regulation skills. Yet, when dads aren’t looped into opportunities to participate, everyone loses.
Breaking the Cycle: What Daycares (and Parents) Can Do
The solution starts with awareness. Daycares can audit their communication habits: Are event invites, activity ideas, and classroom updates being sent to all guardians? Using gender-neutral terms like “families” or “caregivers” in newsletters avoids assumptions. Technology also offers fixes: Parent portals allow both parents to opt into all communications, ensuring no one misses out.
Parents can advocate for change, too. “After the ‘Donuts with Dads’ mix-up, I asked the daycare to update their contact list,” says James. “Now, both my wife and I get every email—even the cute ones about finger-painting.” Open dialogue matters. If a parent notices bias, a polite conversation with staff can spark reflection.
Some daycares are leading by example. Bright Horizons, a national childcare provider, revamped its messaging strategy after noticing gendered communication trends. “We shifted to addressing ‘families’ and sharing all content with every parent,” says director Lisa Nguyen. “Dads started showing up more for storytime sessions, and moms felt less pressure to be the ‘activity coordinator.’ It’s been transformative.”
The Bigger Picture: Redefining Parenting Roles
This isn’t just about emails. It’s about challenging a system that pigeonholes parents into rigid roles. Modern families come in all shapes: single parents, same-sex couples, grandparents as guardians. Assuming that “mom” equals “primary caregiver” excludes non-traditional families and stifles progress toward equitable parenting.
As sociologist Dr. Emily Carter notes, “Small actions—like who receives a daycare’s craft ideas—shape societal norms. When institutions treat caregiving as a shared responsibility, it empowers all parents to show up fully.”
Moving Forward Together
Change won’t happen overnight, but incremental steps matter. Daycares can prioritize inclusive language, parents can demand equal communication, and society can celebrate caregiving dads as enthusiastically as it applauds career-driven moms.
Next time a daycare sends a “fun” email, let’s imagine it reaching every parent’s inbox—because creativity, laughter, and messy art projects aren’t gendered. They’re simply part of the joy of raising kids. And that’s something every parent deserves to share.
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