The Words We Whisper: When Motherhood Doesn’t Feel Like Sunshine
It’s the confession that catches in the throat, the thought that flashes in the quiet exhaustion of 3 AM, the feeling buried deep under piles of laundry and sticky fingerprints: “I don’t like being a mum.”
Saying it aloud, even just to yourself, can feel like a betrayal. Society paints motherhood with broad, glowing strokes – a halo of pure joy, unwavering sacrifice, and instinctive fulfillment. We see it in commercials, read it in greeting cards, absorb it from well-meaning (and sometimes not-so-well-meaning) comments. “Isn’t it just the best?” “Cherish every moment!” “You must be so happy!”
But what happens when your reality doesn’t match the picture? What happens when, beneath the fierce love you undoubtedly feel for your child, there’s a persistent undercurrent of… something else? Resentment? Overwhelm? A profound sense of loss? A simple, aching “This isn’t what I thought it would be, and I don’t like it”?
First, Breathe. You Are Not Alone.
That feeling, however sharp or shameful it might seem, is far more common than anyone talks about. The myth of the perpetually blissful mother is just that – a myth. Motherhood is a seismic shift. It cracks open your life, your identity, your body, your time, and rebuilds it around the consuming needs of another tiny, demanding human. It’s relentless. It’s exhausting. It’s often incredibly monotonous. And yes, it can be deeply unenjoyable at times, even while the love remains.
Unpacking the “Why”: It’s Rarely About the Child
That crucial distinction needs to be made: not liking being a mum is not the same as not loving your child. The dislike usually stems from the context and demands of modern motherhood, not the child themselves.
1. The Crushing Weight of Invisible Labor: The mental load is staggering. It’s the constant planning, remembering, anticipating, managing. Doctor appointments, meal plans, laundry cycles, emotional needs, social calendars, developmental milestones, school forms, sibling dynamics… the list is endless and largely invisible. This relentless cognitive labor is draining and often thankless.
2. The Erosion of Self: Where did you go? The woman with hobbies, passions, a career she was passionate about, spontaneous outings, uninterrupted thoughts? Motherhood can feel like an identity theft. Your needs, desires, and even basic bodily autonomy (sleep, bathroom breaks!) are perpetually sidelined. Reconnecting with your pre-mother self, or discovering who you are now, feels like an impossible luxury.
3. The Isolation Factor: Despite being constantly needed, motherhood can be profoundly lonely. Days filled with toddler chatter don’t equate to adult connection. Playground small talk often feels superficial. The demands of parenting make maintaining deep friendships incredibly hard. You can feel marooned on an island of responsibility.
4. The Pressure Cooker of Perfection: Social media feeds us curated snapshots of serene mothers with spotless homes and beaming, perfectly behaved children. We’re bombarded with advice on the “right” way to parent (attachment, gentle, free-range… the labels are endless). This constant comparison fuels inadequacy and guilt. How can you like this role when you feel you’re constantly failing to meet impossible standards?
5. The Physical and Emotional Toll: Chronic sleep deprivation is a form of torture. The physical recovery from birth (which can take far longer than anyone admits), the demands of breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, the sheer physicality of caring for young children – it wears you down. Add hormonal fluctuations and the constant emotional vigilance required, and burnout isn’t just likely; it’s almost inevitable.
6. The Loss of Freedom and Spontaneity: Remember deciding on a whim to see a movie? Or reading a book for hours? Or just… sitting? Motherhood brings a level of structure and constraint that can feel suffocating. Your time is no longer your own; it’s scheduled around naps, feeds, school runs, and the unpredictable needs of your child.
It’s Okay Not to Like It. What Matters is What You Do Next.
Acknowledging “I don’t like this” isn’t failure; it’s radical honesty. It’s the necessary first step towards finding a way through. Suppressing it only breeds resentment and deeper unhappiness. So, what now?
Name It and Normalize It: Say it out loud to yourself. Write it down. Find a trusted friend, partner, or therapist and share the feeling (without the fear of being judged as a “bad mother”). You’ll likely be met with relief and shared experiences. Understanding you’re not broken is powerful.
Separate the Role from the Person: Remind yourself: disliking the demands and constraints of motherhood does not diminish your love for your child. Your child is separate from the overwhelming weight of the role. You can adore them fiercely while simultaneously hating the relentlessness of the job description.
Reclaim Tiny Pieces of “You”: This isn’t about grand gestures (though those are nice if possible!). It’s micro-moments. A 10-minute walk alone. A cup of tea in silence before the chaos begins. Listening to your favorite podcast while folding laundry. Reading one chapter before bed. Calling a friend during naptime. Actively carve out slivers of time and energy for something that nourishes you, not just your child.
Lower the Bar (Dramatically): Let go of the Pinterest-perfect ideal. The dishes can wait. Frozen pizza is a valid dinner. The laundry doesn’t need to be folded right now. Prioritize survival and connection over spotlessness and impossible standards. Give yourself permission to do “good enough.”
Seek Support, Not Just Help: Don’t just ask for someone to watch the kids so you can clean. Ask for them to watch the kids so you can rest, or see a friend, or do something purely for enjoyment. Delegate tasks at home. Explore childcare options, even if just for a few hours a week. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Reframe “Enjoyment”: Maybe you won’t love every bedtime battle or the 100th game of pretend. But can you find moments of connection? A genuine giggle together? Watching them master something new? A sleepy cuddle? Focusing on micro-moments of connection or peace can sometimes shift the overall feeling, even slightly.
Seek Professional Help: If the dislike feels overwhelming, constant, or bleeds into depression, anxiety, or detachment, please talk to your doctor or a therapist. Postpartum mood disorders are real and treatable. Needing help doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re taking your wellbeing seriously.
The Messy, Real Truth
Motherhood is not a singular experience. It’s a complex tapestry woven with threads of profound love, breathtaking frustration, mind-numbing boredom, awe-inspiring wonder, bone-deep exhaustion, and yes, sometimes, a deep dislike for the role itself.
Saying “I don’t like being a mum” isn’t an indictment of your love. It’s a testament to the sheer, overwhelming, often thankless enormity of the task. It’s a call for honesty in a world that prefers sanitized perfection. It’s a recognition that you are human, with needs, limits, and a right to your own identity beyond the label of “mother.”
It’s okay if the sunshine-and-rainbows version isn’t your reality. Your journey is your own. Acknowledge the hard parts. Seek the support you deserve. Find your moments of connection and peace where you can. And remember: loving your child fiercely while struggling with the role of motherhood isn’t hypocrisy. It’s the messy, complicated, utterly human truth of it all. You are allowed to feel it all. You are still a good mum. You are still you. And that deserves space to breathe.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » The Words We Whisper: When Motherhood Doesn’t Feel Like Sunshine