The “Why Do You Get To?” Chronicles: Unpacking When Parents Seem Hypocritical (Through Tiny Eyes)
Kids have this uncanny ability to spot inconsistencies, especially when those inconsistencies involve the rules applied to them versus the rules applied to you. It often starts with that simple, piercing question: “Why do you get to do that, but I can’t?” It might be about screen time, dessert, staying up late, or even something seemingly trivial like leaving shoes by the door. To a child, these aren’t minor oversights; they feel like fundamental breaches of fairness. So, when parents engage in a behavior they forbid their child from doing, is it pure hypocrisy, or is there something more complex, perhaps even justified, happening?
The Lens of Childhood Logic
From a child’s perspective, the world often operates on clear, binary rules: right/wrong, fair/unfair, allowed/not allowed. Their developing sense of justice is incredibly acute. When a parent tells them, “No more cookies, it’s bad for your teeth,” but then grabs a handful themselves while watching TV, the contradiction is glaring. The child’s logic is simple and direct:
1. Rule stated: Cookies are bad (for teeth/health).
2. Parent breaks the rule.
3. Therefore, parent is breaking their own rule.
4. This feels unfair and confusing. “If it’s bad, why are you doing it?”
They aren’t usually considering nuances like metabolism, self-regulation, or the sheer exhaustion of adulthood. They see action contradicting words. This perceived hypocrisy can breed resentment (“It’s not fair!”), confusion (“So, is it actually okay sometimes?”), and even a weakening of the rule’s authority (“Well, Mom does it… so maybe it’s fine if I do it too sometimes…”).
Beyond Hypocrisy: The Parental Minefield
Labeling it simply “hypocrisy” often misses the intricate reality of parenting. Many “double standards” stem from legitimate differences between adults and children, or from intentions that aren’t immediately apparent to the child:
1. Capacity & Responsibility: “Why can you drive, but I can’t?” This isn’t hypocrisy; it’s acknowledging vastly different levels of physical development, cognitive ability, training, and legal responsibility. The rule (“You can’t drive”) exists because the child lacks the prerequisites the adult possesses.
2. Protection vs. Experience: “Why do you drink coffee/wine, but I can’t even have a sip?” Adults have fully developed bodies better equipped to handle certain substances in moderation. The rule protects the child’s developing brain and body from potential harm the adult body can manage. It’s about safeguarding vulnerability.
3. Privileges of Adulthood (and Burden): “Why do you get to stay up late?” The child needs significantly more sleep for healthy growth. The adult might stay up late paying bills, working, cleaning, or simply grabbing rare moments of quiet. While the behavior (staying up) is the same, the context (need vs. choice, necessity vs. consequence) is vastly different. The rule ensures the child gets essential rest.
4. Modeling Imperfectly: Parents are human. They get tired, stressed, and occasionally slip up on their own ideals. Grabbing that extra cookie might be a moment of weakness after a grueling day. While not ideal, it doesn’t automatically negate the validity of the rule about healthy eating for the child. The key is how the parent handles the slip-up: “You’re right, I shouldn’t have had so many either. It is hard sometimes, but we should both try to do better.”
5. Different Rules for Different Needs: “Why do I have to do homework, but you just watch TV?” Homework is a developmental task specific to childhood learning. The adult likely completed their formal education and now has different responsibilities. The rule exists for the child’s learning and growth, not as a universal law.
6. The “Can’t Really Explain It” Factor: Sometimes, the child’s question targets something nebulous – a tone of voice, a fleeting expression, a subtle inconsistency in reaction that they sense but can’t articulate. “Why did you get so mad when I interrupted, but Dad does it all the time?” This often points to parental stress, fatigue, or context the child missed. It feels hypocritical because the reaction seems disproportionate or inconsistent. The justification here might be less about the rule and more about the parent needing to manage their own emotions better.
When Does It Tip into Hypocrisy?
While many instances have justifications, genuine, harmful hypocrisy does exist:
“Do as I say, not as I do” as a Permanent Policy: If a parent consistently models the exact behavior they forbid without any acknowledgment or attempt to align their actions with their words, it becomes toxic. This teaches children that rules are arbitrary, authority is unfair, and integrity doesn’t matter.
Rules Based on Convenience, Not Principle: “Put your phone away at dinner!” (while the parent scrolls). If the stated principle is “family connection time,” but the parent violates it for convenience, it undermines the rule’s value and feels purely hypocritical.
Lack of Accountability: Refusing to acknowledge the contradiction when a child points it out (“Because I’m the parent, that’s why!”) shuts down communication and reinforces the unfairness.
Navigating the “But Why Can You?” Moments
How parents handle these inevitable questions is crucial:
1. Acknowledge the Observation: “You’re right, I did just grab another cookie after saying we shouldn’t.” This validates the child’s perception and shows respect.
2. Explain the Nuance (Age-Appropriately): “My body is grown, so I can handle a little more sugar sometimes, but your growing body needs healthier fuel most of the time. And honestly, I probably shouldn’t have had that many either!” Or, “Staying up late for me sometimes means finishing work I have to do, but you need your sleep to grow strong and learn well tomorrow.”
3. Acknowledge Imperfection: “You caught me! Grown-ups make mistakes with our own rules too. I’ll try harder.” This models humility and self-awareness.
4. Reinforce the Principle: Explain why the rule exists for them, separate from the parent’s slip-up. “Even though I messed up, the rule about too many cookies is because we want you to have strong, healthy teeth.”
5. Avoid Hollow “Because I Said So”: While sometimes necessary in immediate safety situations, overuse shuts down understanding and fuels resentment.
6. Strive for Consistency (Within Reason): When possible, aligning actions with words is the gold standard. If screen-free dinners are the rule, everyone follows it. This builds trust and respect.
The Bigger Picture: Building Trust Through Honesty
Children aren’t just seeking blind obedience; they are developing their moral compass. They are testing boundaries and learning about fairness and integrity by watching the most important people in their lives – their parents. When parents consistently justify their seeming contradictions with genuine reasons rooted in protection, responsibility, or even honest admission of human frailty, they build trust. They show that rules often exist for specific, good reasons, even if those reasons aren’t always perfectly mirrored in the parent’s every action.
The next time that small voice pipes up with, “But why can you?”, see it not just as a challenge, but as an opportunity. It’s a sign your child is thinking critically, observing the world, and seeking to understand the complex dance of rules, fairness, and human imperfection. By engaging honestly and thoughtfully, you transform a moment of perceived hypocrisy into a valuable lesson in nuance, responsibility, and mutual respect. The goal isn’t perfect parental sainthood; it’s striving for consistency where it matters most and explaining the inevitable gaps with integrity. That’s how the “Why do you get to?” questions gradually evolve into a deeper understanding of the world, and a stronger, more honest relationship.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » The “Why Do You Get To