The Silent Question: Are We Truly Respecting Our Children’s Choices?
We spend countless hours teaching children – how to read, how to share, how to tie their shoes. We guide them, nurture them, and set boundaries for their safety. But woven through all this effort is a quieter, more complex question: Do we genuinely respect a child’s discretion?
It sounds simple, right? Of course, we respect our kids! Yet, scratch beneath the surface of daily life, and it often becomes murkier. Respecting a child’s discretion means more than just occasionally letting them pick the dinner vegetable or the color of their backpack. It’s about acknowledging their emerging capacity to form opinions, make judgments, and exercise choice in matters that affect them – even when those choices make us uncomfortable or challenge our carefully laid plans.
The Discretion Dilemma: What Does it Even Mean?
“Discretion” implies judgment, the ability to make careful decisions. For a child, this isn’t an all-or-nothing switch flipped at 18. It’s a gradual unfolding, a muscle that needs exercise to grow strong.
Think about a toddler insisting on wearing mismatched socks. It seems trivial, but it’s a foundational act of discretion: “I like this, I choose this.” How we react sets a precedent. Do we laugh it off and embrace the quirk? Or do we immediately correct them, insisting on conformity? The latter subtly communicates, “Your taste is wrong; my standard is better.”
Fast forward to the pre-teen years. They might express a strong dislike for a particular activity we signed them up for, or a preference for a friendship we’re unsure about. Or the teenager passionately arguing for a different educational path than we envisioned. These moments test our actual respect for their growing discretion.
Where Respect Often Falters (Without Us Realizing)
We often stumble without meaning to:
1. The Assumption of Incompetence: “They’re too young to understand.” While age and experience matter, dismissing a child’s viewpoint solely based on age denies their unique perspective and budding reasoning skills. A six-year-old can understand fairness; a ten-year-old can grasp complex social dynamics. We need to listen to understand their reasoning, not just dismiss it.
2. The Override Reflex: How often do we say, “Because I said so”? It’s a tempting shortcut, especially when tired or rushed. But consistently overriding a child’s expressed preference or reasoning without explanation teaches them their voice doesn’t matter, that authority trumps their judgment every time.
3. Conditional Respect: “I’ll respect your choice… if you choose what I want.” This is manipulation disguised as respect. True respect means honoring their choice even when it diverges from our own (within safe and reasonable limits, of course).
4. Ignoring Non-Verbal Discretion: Discretion isn’t always verbal. A child shrinking from an overly enthusiastic relative, showing discomfort with a certain game, or expressing boredom with an activity are all forms of discretion – saying “no” or “not for me” with their body and emotions. Do we notice? Do we respect those signals, or push them to comply with adult expectations?
5. The Micromanagement Trap: Planning every minute of their day, dictating exactly how homework should be done, controlling their social interactions rigidly. This stifles the opportunity to practice decision-making and learn from natural consequences in a safe environment.
Why Cultivating Respect for Discretion Matters (It’s Not Just About Being Nice)
Respecting a child’s discretion isn’t about letting them run wild. It’s a crucial investment in their development:
Builds Self-Esteem and Agency: When children feel their choices and opinions are valued (even if not always acted upon), they internalize a sense of self-worth and capability. They learn they have influence over their own lives.
Fosters Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving: Making choices, weighing options, and experiencing the outcomes (positive or negative) is how decision-making skills are honed. If we always decide for them, we rob them of this essential practice.
Develops Responsibility: When children have some ownership over choices (like picking their outfit, managing a small allowance, choosing an extracurricular), they learn to connect actions with consequences, fostering responsibility.
Strengthens Trust and Communication: When kids know their voice is heard and respected, even in disagreement, they feel safer coming to us with bigger problems later. It builds a foundation of open communication.
Prepares Them for Adulthood: Life is full of choices. We aren’t preparing children for adulthood if we don’t gradually give them opportunities to exercise judgment and navigate choices while the stakes are relatively low and guidance is available.
Shifting the Balance: Practical Ways to Show Respect
So, how do we move from theory to practice? It starts with small, intentional shifts:
1. Offer Meaningful Choices (Appropriate to Age): Start young! “Red cup or blue cup?” “Walk to the car or hop like a bunny?” For older kids: “Do you want to do homework before or after dinner?” “Which of these two chores would you prefer this week?” The key is the choices are real and respected.
2. Listen Actively (Without Immediate Correction): When they express an opinion or preference, resist the urge to immediately fix, correct, or override. Listen fully. Ask open-ended questions: “What makes you feel that way?” “What are you thinking about that option?” Validate their feelings: “I hear that you really don’t want to do that. Can you tell me more?”
3. Explain Your Reasoning (Especially When You Can’t Say Yes): Instead of “Because I said so,” try: “I know you want to stay up late, but your body needs sleep to grow and be healthy for school tomorrow.” Or, “I’m not comfortable with you going to that party because I don’t know the parents, and the plans sound unclear. Let’s talk about what we can do.”
4. Respect Bodily Autonomy: Teach them early that they have the right to say “no” to unwanted physical affection (even from relatives). Encourage them to listen to their bodies about hunger, fullness, and needing the bathroom.
5. Allow Safe Failure: Let them make choices that might lead to minor, manageable discomfort. Wore a thin jacket on a chilly day? They learn what cold feels like and might choose differently next time. Spent all allowance money on candy on day one? They experience the consequence of having nothing left. Support them through it without “I told you so.”
6. Involve Them in Family Decisions (When Appropriate): Discuss menu planning for the week, weekend activities, or simple household rules. “What movie should we watch together?” “How can we make mornings less stressful?” Their ideas might surprise you.
7. Acknowledge Their Expertise: Children are often experts in their own interests. Ask them to teach you about their favorite video game, dinosaur, or crafting technique. Showing genuine interest respects their knowledge and passions.
Respecting a child’s discretion isn’t about relinquishing our role as guides and protectors. It’s about evolving that role. It’s recognizing that as children grow, so does their capacity for judgment. It’s about moving from solely directing to increasingly collaborating, from imposing to guiding, and from dismissing to truly listening. When we create space for their choices and honor their developing voices – even when it’s messy or inconvenient – we aren’t just being respectful. We are actively empowering them to become thoughtful, confident, and capable individuals ready to navigate the complex choices life will inevitably bring. The question isn’t just if we respect their discretion, but how we can do it better, one small choice at a time.
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