The Shadow in the Medicine Cabinet: When Trust is Stolen Along With Pills
That phrase, “A long long time ago my dad stole my pills n now I’m permanently worried,” hits with a specific, chilling weight. It’s not just about missing medication; it’s about a fundamental breach happening where safety should have been absolute. That moment – discovering a parent, the person meant to protect and guide you, violating your trust in such a personal, dangerous way – casts a long, dark shadow. It plants a seed of permanent worry that can feel impossible to uproot. If this echoes your experience, know you’re not alone in carrying this invisible burden. Let’s talk about why it hurts so deeply and how that worry might be managed.
The Incident: More Than Just Missing Meds
Imagine needing medication. Maybe it was for intense pain after an injury, managing a chronic condition like ADHD, or dealing with crippling anxiety. Those pills weren’t just objects; they represented your health, your stability, your ability to function. Discovering they were gone was bad enough. But then the slow dawning realization, the confrontation, the denial or deflection, and finally, the awful confirmation: he took them. Your dad. The person whose job was to keep you safe.
This isn’t a simple case of borrowing sugar. It’s a profound violation:
1. Betrayal of Trust: The parent-child bond is built on implicit trust. A parent is supposed to be the caregiver, the protector. Stealing medication, especially something potentially addictive or vital to wellbeing, shatters that foundation completely. You realize the person you had to rely on was unreliable, even dangerous.
2. Violation of Safety: Your home, your personal space, your medicine cabinet – these should be sanctuaries. When a parent crosses that line, it makes you feel unsafe in the one place you should feel most secure. Where else might boundaries be ignored? What else might happen?
3. Exploitation of Vulnerability: You needed help, support, care. Instead, your vulnerability was exploited for their gain (whether that gain was feeding an addiction, avoiding their own doctor, or simply disregarding your needs). You weren’t cared for; you were used.
4. Dismissal of Your Needs: Your health condition, whatever it was, was real and required treatment. By taking your medication, your dad effectively communicated that his needs (or wants) vastly outweighed yours. Your pain, your focus struggles, your anxiety – they didn’t matter enough to him to leave your medicine alone.
The Birth of “Permanent Worry”
The immediate fallout – scrambling to get a refill, dealing with withdrawal or unmanaged symptoms, the arguments – is traumatic enough. But the real legacy is the pervasive, lingering anxiety, the “permanently worried” state. Why does this specific incident create such enduring fear?
Hypervigilance: Your brain learns a terrifying lesson: “Even the safest people and places cannot be trusted.” This puts you on constant high alert. You start scanning for potential threats, anticipating betrayal. Locking things away obsessively, constantly checking your belongings, feeling uneasy around people you care about – it’s exhausting.
Shattered Sense of Security: The foundation of your world cracked. If your own father could do this, who can you trust? This makes forming deep, secure relationships incredibly difficult. There’s always a background hum of fear: “Will they hurt me too? Will they take advantage?”
Anxiety About Dependence: Needing medication, therapy, or any form of help can become fraught with anxiety. “If I need help, does that make me vulnerable to being exploited again?” You might avoid seeking necessary support out of this fear.
Living with Uncertainty: The “permanently worried” feeling often stems from unresolved questions. Why did he do it? Was it just that once? Does he even understand or care how much it damaged you? Living without closure or accountability keeps the wound open.
Internalized Blame & Shame: It’s tragically common to internalize blame. “Was I too careless?” “Did I somehow cause this?” “Am I weak for needing the pills in the first place?” This shame feeds the anxiety loop, making you feel both unsafe and fundamentally flawed.
Navigating the Long Shadow: Moving with the Worry
Saying “just get over it” is useless. The impact is real and deep. The goal isn’t necessarily to erase the worry entirely – it might always be a part of your history – but to prevent it from dominating your present and future. Here’s how you can begin to manage it:
1. Acknowledge the Trauma: Name it for what it was. It wasn’t just “dad being weird” or “a bad argument.” It was a significant betrayal that caused real harm. Validating your own experience is crucial.
2. Seek Professional Support: A therapist experienced in trauma, family dynamics, or addiction (if applicable) is invaluable. They provide a safe space to:
Process the complex emotions (anger, grief, fear, confusion).
Understand how this event shaped your nervous system and thought patterns.
Challenge internalized blame and shame.
Develop strategies to manage hypervigilance and anxiety.
Work on rebuilding trust in safe, incremental ways.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Carrying this worry is a heavy load. You didn’t deserve what happened. Acknowledge your strength in surviving it and seeking ways to heal. Replace self-criticism with understanding.
4. Set and Enforce Boundaries: Protecting yourself is paramount. This might mean limiting contact with your dad if he’s still unsafe or unapologetic. It definitely means setting clear boundaries in all your relationships about respect, privacy, and your health needs. Learn to say “no” firmly.
5. Build Safety Incrementally: Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Start small. Notice the trustworthy actions of safe friends or partners. Keep a journal noting times people respected your boundaries or supported you. Gradually, evidence of safety can counterbalance the ingrained fear.
6. Connect with Understanding: Finding others who have experienced similar betrayals (support groups, online communities focused on family addiction or complex trauma) can be incredibly validating. Knowing you’re not alone reduces isolation and shame.
7. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: When the “permanent worry” flares into acute anxiety, grounding techniques are essential. Focus on your breath, feel your feet on the floor, name five things you see. Mindfulness helps you observe the anxious thoughts without being completely swept away by them. It reminds you that you are here now, not back in that traumatic moment.
8. Reframe Your Story (When Ready): Healing isn’t about forgetting, but about integrating the experience differently. Instead of “This ruined me,” it can become, “This was a terrible betrayal that caused deep wounds, but I am learning to manage the fallout and build a safer, more trusting life for myself.” You are more than what was done to you.
The Weight of “Permanently Worried”
That worry isn’t just anxiety; it’s the scar tissue left by a profound wound. It’s the echo of a promise broken in the worst possible way. It’s exhausting, isolating, and can feel like a life sentence. But scars, while permanent, don’t have to dictate your entire life. They can be reminders of survival, resilience, and the hard-won wisdom that teaches you to fiercely protect your own wellbeing.
Healing from this kind of betrayal is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, courage, and often, outside help. It means learning to carry that worry differently – not letting it sit in the driver’s seat, but acknowledging it as a passenger you’re learning to manage. It means slowly rebuilding the sense of safety that was stolen, brick by careful brick, knowing that your boundaries are sacred and your needs are valid. The shadow from that long-ago theft might never fully disappear, but you can learn to step out of its chill and into the warmth of a life built on your own terms of safety and trust.
Reach Out: You Don’t Have To Carry This Alone
SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) – Free, confidential treatment referral and information service (US).
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): [https://www.nami.org/Home](https://www.nami.org/Home) – Support, education, advocacy.
Psychology Today Therapist Finder: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) – Searchable directory to find therapists by location, specialty, and insurance.
Books: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson; The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk; Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.
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