The Parenting Habit I Swore I’d Break: Why Emotional Dismissal Doesn’t Belong in My Home
You know those moments that stick with you? Not the big birthdays or holidays, but the seemingly small exchanges that etch themselves onto your childhood memory? For me, one of those moments involved a scraped knee, hot tears, and a well-meaning phrase that stung far more than the fall: “Stop crying, it’s not that bad.”
I remember the visceral feeling. The physical hurt was sharp, yes, but the emotional dismissal? That felt like a deeper wound. My tears weren’t just about the blood trickling down my shin; they were about the shock, the fear, the sudden vulnerability. Yet, the message I absorbed was clear: Your feelings about this are inconvenient. Your distress is an overreaction. Tuck it away.
This habit – the reflexive dismissal or minimization of a child’s emotional experience – is the one from my own childhood I consciously refuse to repeat. Seeing it now through the lens of adulthood and child development, I understand it wasn’t malice. My parents, like many of their generation, likely operated under beliefs like “tough love builds resilience” or “don’t spoil the child.” Emotional literacy wasn’t the buzzword it is now. The goal was often simply to stop the crying, to restore calm quickly. But the unintended consequence was teaching me, and countless others, that our feelings were invalid, burdensome, or simply wrong.
Why This Habit Does More Harm Than Good:
1. Invalidation Breeds Self-Doubt: When a child is told their sadness, frustration, or fear isn’t “that bad” or they should “just get over it,” they learn not to trust their own internal compass. They internalize the message: “If I feel this upset, but it’s supposedly ‘not a big deal,’ something must be wrong with me for feeling this way.” This erodes self-trust from an incredibly young age.
2. It Blocks Emotional Processing: Emotions aren’t like light switches we can flip off. They demand to be felt. Telling a child to “stop crying” doesn’t make the underlying emotion vanish; it just forces it underground. Unexpressed emotions don’t dissipate; they fester. They might erupt later as disproportionate anger, manifest as anxiety, or lead to shutdowns and withdrawal.
3. It Damages the Parent-Child Connection: That moment of dismissal creates a tiny fracture in the relationship. The child learns they cannot reliably come to this trusted adult for comfort or understanding when they are emotionally vulnerable. Instead of feeling safe and supported, they feel alone with their big feelings.
4. It Hinders Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing, naming, understanding, and managing emotions are learned skills. When parents habitually dismiss feelings, they deprive children of the opportunity to practice these crucial skills. How can a child learn healthy coping mechanisms if their feelings are constantly brushed aside?
5. It Models Poor Emotional Regulation: Ironically, the message “stop feeling that way” often comes from a place of the parent’s discomfort with the child’s emotion. It models avoidance rather than healthy management. Children learn by watching us. If we can’t tolerate their distress healthily, how will they learn to?
How I Strive to Do Things Differently: Moving from Dismissal to Validation
Breaking a generational pattern takes conscious effort. It’s easy to default to the familiar script, especially when stressed or overwhelmed. But here’s the alternative path I’m committed to walking:
1. Pause and Acknowledge: Instead of rushing to stop the tears or fix the problem instantly, my first step is always acknowledgment. “Wow, that looked like it hurt!” “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated right now.” “It’s okay to be upset that your tower fell.” This simple act signals, “I see you. I see your feeling.”
2. Name the Feeling (Gently): Helping a child put a label on their emotion is incredibly powerful. “It sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed.” “That must have made you feel scared.” This doesn’t mean I always get it right, but the attempt helps them build their emotional vocabulary and understand their inner world.
3. Validate the Experience: This is the core antidote to dismissal. Validation isn’t agreement; it’s acknowledgment of the feeling’s existence and legitimacy from the child’s perspective. “It makes sense you feel sad about your broken toy; it was special to you.” “Of course you’re angry, it’s not fair when someone takes your turn.” This tells them, “Your feeling makes sense. You have a right to feel it.”
4. Offer Support, Not Solutions (Immediately): My instinct used to be to jump straight to fixing the problem causing the upset. Now, I try to connect first. “Do you need a hug?” “Would you like me to sit with you?” Sometimes, just feeling heard and held is what they need most before brainstorming solutions.
5. Model Healthy Expression: I try to talk about my own feelings appropriately. “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all these dishes; I need to take a quick break.” “I was disappointed when my meeting got canceled.” This shows them emotions are normal and manageable.
The Ripple Effect of Validation
Choosing validation over dismissal isn’t about permissive parenting or letting kids run wild with emotion. It’s about teaching them to navigate the incredibly complex landscape of human feelings with skill and self-compassion. It builds a foundation of trust and connection that lasts far beyond childhood scrapes.
The child who learns their feelings are valid learns to trust themselves. They learn that discomfort is manageable, that seeking support is healthy, and that resilience comes from facing and understanding emotions, not suppressing them. They carry this emotional toolkit into friendships, school, work, and eventually, their own parenting.
It takes practice. There are moments I slip into the old patterns. But remembering that small girl with the scraped knee, feeling unheard and wrong for her tears, reignites my commitment. I won’t tell my children to “stop crying” because it’s inconvenient. I will sit with them in their frustration, their sadness, their fear, and simply say, “I’m here. I see you. It’s okay to feel this way. Let’s figure it out together.” That’s the generational shift I choose to make.
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