The Parenting Advice I Vowed to Ignore (And Why I’m Eating My Words)
When I first became a parent, I was armed with ideals. I had a mental checklist of “I’ll never…” statements: I’ll never let my kids watch too much TV. I’ll never bribe them with snacks. I’ll never lose my cool. And perhaps most adamantly: I’ll never tell my child to “figure it out yourself.”
Why? Because the idea of shrugging off a frustrated toddler or a tearful preschooler felt cold, almost negligent. I’d heard older parents toss out phrases like, “Let them work through it,” and I’d silently judge. Shouldn’t we guide them every step of the way? Isn’t that our job?
Fast-forward five years, and I’m here to confess: I’ve become the parent who says, “You’ve got this—try again.” And not only do I say it, I mean it. Here’s how my perspective flipped, and why stepping back became the best way to step up.
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The Myth of the “Perfect Rescue”
Early on, I operated under the belief that “good” parenting meant swooping in to fix every problem. If my daughter struggled to open a container, I’d twist the lid for her. If my son couldn’t reach a toy, I’d grab it immediately. I thought I was building security by showing them I’d always be there.
But over time, I noticed a pattern: the more I intervened, the more they expected me to. Requests turned into demands (“Mom, DO IT FOR ME!”), and minor challenges sparked meltdowns. One day, after my 4-year-old dissolved into tears because her sock felt “bumpy,” I realized: By solving every tiny issue, I’d accidentally sent the message that struggle was abnormal—or worse, unbearable.
That’s when an aunt shared advice she’d given me years earlier, which I’d dismissed as harsh: “Your job isn’t to prevent frustration. It’s to teach them how to handle it.”
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The Science of Struggle
Turns out, there’s a reason “resilience” is a buzzword in child development. Psychologists emphasize that overcoming small obstacles—like tying shoes or resolving a sibling disagreement—builds executive function skills: problem-solving, emotional regulation, and persistence.
Dr. Emily King, a child psychologist, explains it this way: “When parents rush to fix things, kids miss out on the ‘frustration tolerance’ muscle. Letting them sit with a challenge, even briefly, teaches them discomfort is temporary and surmountable.”
In other words, stepping back isn’t about indifference. It’s about trust. By saying, “Try it one more time,” or “What do you think would help?,” we signal confidence in their abilities. Over time, that confidence becomes their inner voice.
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How I Learned to Let Go (Without Guilt)
Shifting from “Let me help!” to “Give it another shot!” wasn’t easy. At first, I felt like I was withholding love. But I started small:
1. The 10-Second Rule: When my kids hit a snag, I’d count to 10 silently before intervening. Often, they’d solve it on their own by second 7.
2. Asking Questions: Instead of, “Here, I’ll do it,” I’d say, “Hmm, why do you think it’s stuck?” or “Where else could you look?”
3. Normalizing Frustration: I’d narrate my own challenges aloud (“Ugh, this jar won’t open! Maybe I’ll try tapping the lid…”), showing that struggle is part of life, not failure.
The results surprised me. My daughter, who once panicked if her block tower fell, now mutters, “I’ll rebuild it—it’ll be cooler.” My son, who refused to put on his own shoes, beams when he finally snaps the Velcro.
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When “Letting Them Figure It Out” Goes Right (and Wrong)
Of course, balance is key. There’s a difference between allowing healthy struggle and abandoning a child to flounder. Here’s what I’ve learned:
– DO let them grapple with age-appropriate tasks: zipping coats, pouring milk, or calming down after a minor disappointment.
– DON’T dismiss genuine distress. If they’re overwhelmed, scared, or physically hurt, connection comes first (then problem-solving).
– DO praise effort, not just success: “I saw how hard you worked on that puzzle!”
– DON’T use “figure it out” as a cop-out. Stay nearby, offering encouragement: “I’m right here if you get stuck.”
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Why We Resist This Advice (And Why It’s Worth Trying Anyway)
Let’s be real: It’s easier to fix the problem yourself. Letting kids struggle takes time, patience, and a tolerance for mess (spilled milk, mismatched outfits, towers that crash… again). Plus, societal pressure whispers that “good” parents are constantly “doing” for their kids.
But here’s the paradox: By doing less, we empower them to do more. A friend put it perfectly: “I used to think ‘figure it out’ was lazy. Now I see it’s the ultimate act of love—it says, ‘I believe in you.’”
So to my past self, rolling her eyes at the “let them struggle” crowd: I get it. It’s scary to loosen control. But watching your child grow into a capable, resilient human? That’s worth swallowing your pride—and maybe even passing the lesson on.
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Parenting is full of these surprises—the advice we reject, then embrace. What matters isn’t being “right” from the start, but staying open to growth. After all, if we expect our kids to learn from mistakes, shouldn’t we do the same?
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