The Gift Card Dilemma: When Parents Consider Taking Back What They Gave
It starts with the best intentions. You carefully choose a gift card for your grown-up son or daughter – maybe for their favorite restaurant, a beloved clothing store, or a relaxing spa experience. You wrap it, present it with a smile, envisioning the enjoyment they’ll get from treating themselves. Fast forward months later. That card is still tucked away in a drawer, unused, maybe even forgotten. And you find yourself staring at it, a thought creeping in: “Would it really be so bad if I just… used it myself? They haven’t touched it.”
This scenario, surprisingly common, taps into a complex web of parental feelings, adult-child dynamics, and unspoken gift etiquette. Let’s unpack why this dilemma arises and what it truly means.
The Allure of the Unused Gift Card:
1. Frustration Over Waste: Seeing a perfectly good opportunity for enjoyment or necessity (like groceries or gas) gather dust feels wasteful. Parents often work hard for their money, and watching its potential value evaporate is genuinely frustrating. “I spent good money on that,” is a frequent refrain.
2. Perceived Lack of Appreciation (Even If Unfair): While adult children might simply be busy, forgetful, or saving the card for a special occasion, the non-use can feel like indifference to the parent’s gesture. Taking it back can feel like reclaiming value from a perceived slight.
3. Practical Need: Sometimes, life happens. An unexpected expense arises, budgets get tight, and that unused $50 card for a store you also shop at suddenly looks less like a gift and more like helpful funds. The temptation to solve an immediate problem is strong.
4. “They Won’t Notice” Rationalization: The digital nature of many cards or the physical card sitting unused for so long fuels the thought: “They probably forgot it exists. Using it won’t hurt them.” The secrecy feels low-risk.
5. Shifting Ownership Perception: Once the gift is given, ownership legally and ethically transfers. But emotionally? Some parents might subconsciously still feel a connection to the funds, especially if the intended purpose isn’t being fulfilled. It can feel like reclaiming control over an unspent resource.
The Flip Side: Why It Might Be a Slippery Slope
However, acting on that impulse without transparency carries significant risks and ethical questions:
1. Breach of Trust (Even for Small Things): Secrecy is the core issue. Discovering that a parent redeemed a gift they gave you, however unused it was, feels deceptive. It undermines trust in a relationship built on honesty. Would you feel comfortable if the roles were reversed?
2. Undermining Autonomy: Your child is an adult. The gift card was theirs to use, lose, forget, or even regift. Taking it back, even if unused, subtly communicates that their choices about their possessions aren’t fully respected. It infantilizes them.
3. The “It’s the Principle” Factor: The monetary value might be small, but the principle of taking back a gift is significant. Gifts are symbolic gestures of love, celebration, or support. Redeeming it yourself, especially secretly, changes that symbolism into something transactional and self-serving. It alters the spirit of the original gesture.
4. Potential for Discovery and Hurt: They might remember. They might go looking for it. Or worse, they might have been planning to use it for your birthday or a special occasion for you. The fallout from discovery – the hurt feelings, the sense of betrayal over something seemingly small – can be disproportionately large.
5. Setting a Precedent: If you do it once and “get away with it,” does it make it easier to justify doing it again? What about other unused items?
Navigating the Dilemma with Integrity:
So, what’s the alternative if you’re genuinely bothered by an unused gift card?
1. The Direct Approach (Recommended): Have an open conversation. “Hey, I noticed that [Store] gift card I gave you for [occasion] hasn’t been used yet. Just checking if you still have it/want it? If not, or if the store isn’t convenient, I could maybe swap it for something you’d use more, or even just use it myself if that’s okay with you?” This respects their autonomy, avoids secrecy, and addresses your concern about waste. Be prepared for them to say they still want it!
2. The Gentle Nudge: A lighter touch: “I drove past [Store] the other day and it reminded me of that gift card I gave you! Did you ever find something fun to get there?” This reminds them without pressure.
3. Offer an Exchange: If they admit they won’t use it, offer a solution: “No problem! Would you like me to see if I can exchange it for a card somewhere else you prefer?” This keeps the value with them.
4. Ask Permission: If you genuinely have a need or see an opportunity to use it yourself, ask: “I know this might be a bit awkward, but I noticed that [Store] card hasn’t been used. I actually need to pick up [item] there soon. Would you be okay if I used that card instead? I’d be happy to give you the cash equivalent or get you a different card you’d prefer.” This is honest and respects their ownership.
5. Let It Go (Sometimes the Best Option): If the value is small and bringing it up feels more awkward than it’s worth, consider simply letting it go. Chalk it up to gift-giving unpredictability. Not every gift is a home run, and that’s okay. The peace of mind and preservation of trust might be worth more than the unused balance.
The Heart of the Matter: Respect Over Resentment
Ultimately, the question of redeeming the card secretly hinges on prioritizing short-term gain (using the funds, alleviating frustration) over the long-term health of your relationship with your adult child. That relationship is built on mutual respect and trust.
Choosing secrecy and self-redemption, however tempting, risks introducing a small but potent toxin of deceit and disrespect. It signals that your convenience or frustration outweighs their right to manage their own possessions, however imperfectly. Conversely, choosing openness – even an awkward conversation – reinforces respect, honesty, and the understanding that they are capable adults deserving of autonomy, even when they forget about a gift card.
The next time you spot that unused card and feel the pull, pause. Consider the potential cost to trust versus the benefit of those funds. Often, the most valuable thing you can redeem isn’t the balance on the card, but the integrity and mutual respect within your relationship. Finding the courage for an honest conversation, or the grace to let it go, usually proves to be the gift that keeps on giving.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » The Gift Card Dilemma: When Parents Consider Taking Back What They Gave