The Gift Card Dilemma: Should You Ever Secretly Take Back What You Gave Your Grown Child?
It’s a scenario many parents of adult children might recognize: You thoughtfully gave your son or daughter a gift card for their birthday, Christmas, or ‘just because.’ Weeks, maybe months, later, you stumble upon it tucked in a drawer at their place, seemingly forgotten. Or perhaps you casually ask if they used it, only to hear, “Oh, not yet, but I will!” – a refrain that repeats. Meanwhile, you spot a tempting sale or face an unexpected expense. A little voice whispers: It’s just sitting there… they clearly don’t want it… wouldn’t it be better used? The question forms, loaded with guilt and practicality: Would you – or should you – secretly redeem that gift card for yourself?
This seemingly small act taps into surprisingly deep currents within parent-adult child relationships. It’s not just about plastic and a dollar amount; it’s about boundaries, communication, respect, and navigating the evolving landscape of giving and receiving as your child becomes a peer.
The Temptation: Why the Idea Crosses Your Mind
Let’s be honest, the urge isn’t born from malice. Several relatable factors can fuel this temptation:
1. Perceived Waste: Seeing unused value feels like watching money evaporate. That $50 card for a restaurant they never visit? It represents lost potential, especially if your own budget is tight. The pragmatic part of your brain screams against the inefficiency.
2. Financial Pressure: Life happens. An unexpected car repair, a medical bill, or even a desire for something small you’ve denied yourself can make that dormant gift card suddenly look like a lifeline. “They won’t miss it,” becomes a tempting justification.
3. Frustration with Ingratitude (Perceived or Real): While forgetting a gift card might not signify ingratitude, it can feel that way. You put thought and resources into the gift, and its neglect can sting, making reclaiming it feel like a tiny, secret rebalancing.
4. The “Better Use” Argument: “They clearly won’t use it, but I really need new work shoes/I could finally get that book/I can put it towards groceries.” Redirecting the value to a tangible, immediate need feels like a practical solution.
5. Convenience: It’s physically accessible, and the act of redemption (especially online) is often quick and anonymous.
The Ethical Tightrope: Why Secret Reclamation is Problematic
However tempting, secretly redeeming the card carries significant ethical weight and potential relational fallout:
1. It’s Fundamentally Dishonest: This is the core issue. Taking something back without permission, even something you gave, is taking. Secrecy implies you know it’s questionable. It breaks a fundamental trust.
2. It Violates Autonomy: The gift was transferred. It ceased being yours the moment you gave it. Your adult child now owns it, regardless of whether they use it immediately, lose it, or frame it. Deciding its fate for them disrespects their ownership and autonomy.
3. Potential for Discovery (and Hurt): What happens if they finally remember it, go to use it, and find it empty? Or if a receipt shows the redemption date long after the gift? The discovery could cause deep hurt, confusion, and damage trust far more significantly than the card’s value warrants. They might feel spied on, disrespected, or that you value the money over their feelings.
4. It Undermines the Spirit of Giving: A gift is supposed to be freely given, without strings attached. Secretly taking it back injects a transactional, conditional element that cheapens the original gesture. Was it truly a gift, or just a loan in disguise?
5. Sets a Poor Precedent: It models dishonesty and boundary-crossing. Is this the standard of behavior you want to establish in your relationship?
Beyond the Secret: Navigating the Dilemma Ethically and Constructively
So, what’s a frustrated, financially pinched, or efficiency-minded parent to do? Here are ethical alternatives that preserve trust and respect:
1. Communicate Openly (The Best Option): Have an honest conversation. “Hey, I noticed that gift card I gave you for [Store] last Christmas hasn’t been used. Totally fine if it’s not your thing! I actually saw something there I could really use, and since it’s just sitting, would you be okay if I traded you cash for it or used it myself?” This approach:
Respects their ownership.
Is transparent and honest.
Gives them agency to say yes or no.
Avoids any surprise or betrayal.
Opens a dialogue about gifts and preferences.
2. Offer a Trade: As mentioned above, propose swapping cash for the card if you genuinely need it. This keeps the transaction fair and above board.
3. Suggest Regifting (Their Choice): “Not sure if [Store] is your style? Feel free to regift that card if you know someone who’d love it!” This empowers them to redirect the value without pressure.
4. Reflect on Future Gifts: Use this as data. If gift cards consistently go unused, maybe they prefer experiences (concert tickets, a class), consumables (nice coffee, specialty foods), or simply cash? Ask them directly what they’d appreciate most going forward. One parent shared, “After finding a two-year-old coffee shop card in my son’s junk drawer, I finally just asked. Turns out he prefers practical stuff like gas cards or grocery delivery credits. Total game-changer for birthdays!”
5. Let It Go (Literally): Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to accept that the gift has served its purpose in the moment of giving and release any attachment to its ultimate use or fate. Their disinterest isn’t a reflection of their love for you.
The Bigger Picture: Trust, Respect, and Evolving Relationships
The gift card question is a microcosm of the broader shift required as children become adults. It demands moving from a dynamic of provider/manager to one grounded in mutual respect and recognition of each other’s autonomy and independence. Your adult child has the right to make their own choices – including what to do with gifts, even if those choices seem wasteful or illogical to you.
Choosing honesty and open communication, even when it feels awkward, is an investment in the long-term health and trust of your relationship. It acknowledges their adulthood and your respect for it. Secretly redeeming the card, while momentarily satisfying a practical need, risks eroding the foundation of trust that underpins a strong, healthy parent-adult child bond. That trust is ultimately far more valuable than any amount loaded onto a piece of plastic. The next time you spot that forgotten gift card, take a breath, consider the alternatives, and choose the path that strengthens the connection, even if it means letting that particular $50 rest in peace.
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