That Chilling Silence: Why I Refuse to Repeat My Parents’ Habit of Shutting Down Feelings
I still remember the tightness in my chest, the way my small hands would tremble slightly, as I approached my parents with something difficult. Maybe I’d broken a precious vase, gotten a bad grade, or felt deeply hurt by a friend’s words. The outcome was often the same: a wall. Not always anger, sometimes just… dismissal. A curt “You’re fine,” a brusque “Don’t be silly,” or the ultimate conversation-ender: “Because I said so.” It wasn’t malicious; it was simply their parenting habit – minimizing, dismissing, or shutting down uncomfortable emotions. And it’s the one habit I’ve consciously, fiercely refused to repeat with my own children.
The Echoes of the Unspoken
Growing up, expressing “negative” emotions felt like trespassing. Sadness, anger, fear, even intense frustration were often met with impatience or instructions to “stop crying” or “calm down.” The underlying message, absorbed deep into my bones, was clear: Your difficult feelings are inconvenient. They’re too much. Keep them quiet.
The result? I became adept at swallowing emotions. I learned to cry silently in my room, to push anger deep down until it erupted in less healthy ways later, or to simply numb out. As an adult, navigating my own emotional landscape felt like deciphering a foreign language. I struggled to identify what I was feeling, let alone express it constructively. The habit of emotional suppression, modeled and enforced, had deep roots.
The Cost of the “Quiet Child”
Looking back, I understand my parents likely thought they were helping. They were raised in a different era, perhaps believing that stifling tears built toughness or that avoiding difficult conversations preserved peace. But the research, and my own lived experience, tells a different story:
1. Stunted Emotional Intelligence: When kids aren’t allowed to feel their feelings fully and learn to name them, they miss crucial development in emotional literacy. They struggle to understand their own inner world and empathize with others.
2. Erosion of Trust: If a child consistently hears their fears are “silly” or their sadness is “overreacting,” they learn they can’t rely on their parents for genuine support during tough times. They stop bringing their problems forward.
3. The Pressure Cooker Effect: Emotions don’t vanish when dismissed; they go underground. Suppressed anger turns into resentment. Buried sadness can morph into anxiety or depression. Unexpressed fears grow larger in the dark.
4. Damaged Self-Worth: The implicit message of “your feelings are wrong/bad/inconvenient” subtly translates to “you are wrong/bad/inconvenient when you feel this way.” This chips away at a child’s inherent sense of self-worth.
Breaking the Cycle: Trading Dismissal for Validation
Knowing the cost firsthand, I made a pact with myself: my kids would know their feelings were valid, even the messy, loud, or inconvenient ones. This doesn’t mean letting behavior run wild; it means separating the emotion from the action. Here’s what replacing that old habit looks like in practice:
1. The Pause: When my child comes to me upset – whether it’s tears over a dropped ice cream or fury about a sibling – I take a breath. I consciously resist the old reflex to minimize (“It’s just ice cream!”) or shut down (“Stop yelling!”). That pause is my commitment to breaking the habit.
2. Naming and Validating: Instead of “Don’t cry,” I try, “Wow, you are really sad right now. It’s so disappointing when your ice cream falls, huh?” Instead of “That’s nothing to be scared of,” I say, “That loud noise really startled you, didn’t it? It’s okay to feel scared.” It’s about acknowledging the feeling exists and that it makes sense in their world.
3. Holding Space: Sometimes, they don’t need a solution; they need to be heard. Sitting with them while they cry, offering a hug without rushing them to “feel better,” simply saying, “I’m here,” teaches them they don’t have to weather emotional storms alone.
4. Guiding, Not Suppressing: Once the initial wave of emotion passes (validating doesn’t mean letting a tantrum rage indefinitely unchecked), then we can talk about appropriate behavior. “I see you’re very angry your block tower fell. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to throw blocks. What can we do instead when we feel that angry?”
5. Modeling Imperfectly: I openly acknowledge my own difficult feelings. “Mommy is feeling really frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” They see it’s normal and learn strategies by watching.
The Messy, Beautiful Difference
Is it easy? Absolutely not. In moments of stress, exhaustion, or sheer overwhelm, the ghost of that old habit whispers: “Just make it stop. Tell them to be quiet.” Resisting that takes constant effort. It’s messy. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes their big feelings are inconvenient.
But the difference it makes is profound. My children (mostly!) bring their problems to me. They can articulate, “I feel jealous,” or “I’m scared about the test tomorrow.” They know their emotional landscape is safe territory with me, not a minefield to avoid. They’re learning the crucial life skill of navigating their inner world without fear or shame.
More Than Just Breaking a Habit
Refusing to repeat that specific parenting habit – the dismissal of feelings – isn’t just about changing a behavior. It’s about fundamentally shifting the relationship I have with my children. It’s about building a foundation of trust where they know, deep down, that all parts of them are welcome. It’s about giving them the emotional tools I had to claw back as an adult. It’s about saying, through my actions every day: “Your feelings matter. You matter. This thing you’re experiencing? I see it. I get it. And I’m right here with you.”
That chilly silence I knew as a child? I’m replacing it with the warm, sometimes noisy, but always accepting space where feelings are allowed to breathe. It’s the hardest and most important parenting promise I’ve ever made to myself and to them.
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