Navigating the Tate Phase: When Your Son’s Online Obsession Lingers
It’s a familiar scene in many homes: your teenage son, headphones on, absorbed in videos or podcasts featuring Andrew Tate. Maybe he repeats phrases about “hustle,” “top G” status, or dismisses conversations about respect with a shrug. You hoped it was a passing fad, a blip on his developmental radar. But weeks, maybe months later, he’s still not over the Andrew Tate phase. That lingering fascination can feel unsettling, confusing, and frankly, exhausting. What’s really going on, and how do you navigate this as a parent without pushing him further away?
First, let’s breathe. It’s crucial to understand why figures like Tate resonate, particularly with adolescent boys. At its core, it’s rarely about endorsing every single toxic viewpoint Tate espouses (though some elements might unfortunately stick). It’s often about what he appears to represent:
1. Confidence and Certainty: Adolescence is a storm of self-doubt. Tate projects an image of unshakeable confidence and absolute certainty in his worldview. For a young man figuring out his place, this can feel incredibly appealing – a clear, if flawed, roadmap in a confusing world.
2. The Promise of Power and Control: Tate’s narrative heavily revolves around acquiring wealth, status, and control – particularly over one’s life and environment. Teenagers often feel powerless – subject to school rules, parental boundaries, and social pressures. The fantasy of achieving ultimate control is potent.
3. A (Toxic) Model of Masculinity: For boys bombarded with conflicting messages about what it means to “be a man,” Tate offers a hyper-masculine, aggressive, domineering archetype. It simplifies a complex issue into loud, performative actions.
4. Community and Belonging: Online algorithms create echo chambers. If your son engaged with Tate content once, he’s likely being fed more. This creates a sense of belonging to a specific “in-group” that “gets it,” reinforcing the appeal, especially if he feels misunderstood offline.
5. The “Forbidden Fruit” Factor: The controversy surrounding Tate, his bans, and the parental disapproval he often attracts can paradoxically make him more appealing to teens testing boundaries and asserting independence.
So, your son is still not over it. What does that mean? It signals this initial appeal hasn’t faded. Maybe he’s genuinely grappling with the ideas, perhaps finding some aspects (like the emphasis on discipline or hard work) compelling while ignoring or downplaying the deeply problematic misogyny, homophobia, and glorification of exploitation. Or, he might be clinging to the identity or online community it provides. It doesn’t automatically mean he’s internalized the worst aspects, but it warrants attention.
Moving Beyond Panic to Productive Connection:
1. Ditch the Dismissal & Listen: Shutting him down with “He’s terrible, stop watching!” rarely works. It often entrenches his position. Instead, approach with curiosity: “I notice you’re still interested in Tate’s stuff. What is it that you find compelling about his message?” Listen without immediate judgment. Understand what need it fulfills for him. Is it the confidence? The financial talk? The sense of rebellion?
2. Separate the Wheat from the Chaff (Gently): Once you understand the appeal, you can engage critically. If he admires the “hustle,” discuss healthy ambition, hard work ethics, and setting real goals. If it’s about confidence, talk about building genuine self-esteem based on skills and kindness, not arrogance and putting others down. Acknowledge any potentially positive action (like working out) while firmly rejecting the toxic beliefs attached.
3. Offer Alternative Narratives: Don’t just tear down; build up. Actively introduce him to diverse, positive male role models – athletes known for sportsmanship, entrepreneurs focused on ethical business, artists, activists, scientists, compassionate community leaders, or even positive male figures in your own family or circle. Discuss what healthy masculinity looks like: strength with vulnerability, confidence with empathy, ambition with integrity. Books, documentaries, and podcasts can be great resources here.
4. Critical Thinking is Key: Use this as a teaching moment about media literacy. Discuss how online personas are carefully crafted, how algorithms manipulate content feeds, and how controversy is often deliberately used for attention and profit. Ask questions like: “What evidence does he provide for his claims?” “What are the potential consequences of believing X?” “Who benefits from this message?” Help him develop his own filter.
5. Focus on Real-World Connection & Values: Strengthen his connections offline. Encourage participation in team sports, clubs, volunteering, or hobbies where he experiences positive peer interactions and mentorship from trusted adults. Reinforce your family’s core values – respect, kindness, equality – through consistent actions and conversations, not just lectures about Tate.
6. Distinguish Phase from Problem: Is he quoting Tate occasionally but still treating friends and family respectfully? Or is his behavior changing – showing disrespect towards women, expressing aggressive or entitled attitudes, isolating himself? The latter requires more urgent intervention, potentially involving school counselors or therapists.
7. Patience is Non-Negotiable: De-programming from any influential figure takes time. Don’t expect overnight change. Celebrate small shifts in perspective or critical comments he might make. Stay consistently present, offering support and open dialogue even when it’s frustrating.
Red Flags vs. Green Flags:
Red Flags: Increased aggression, misogynistic language, glorification of extreme wealth without ethics, dismissal of victims, withdrawal from positive relationships.
Green Flags: Willingness to discuss the topic critically, acknowledging problematic aspects, showing interest in alternative viewpoints, maintaining respectful behavior offline.
Finding out your son is still not over the Andrew Tate phase is challenging. It taps into deep parental fears about the influences shaping your child. But reacting with fear or anger often backfires. By shifting towards understanding the underlying appeal, fostering open communication, nurturing critical thinking skills, and consistently providing positive alternatives and strong values, you create a much stronger counter-narrative. You become the trusted guide helping him navigate the complex online world and figure out what kind of man he genuinely wants to be – one whose strength comes from character, not controversy. The phase might linger, but your steady presence provides the anchor he needs to eventually move beyond it.
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