Love: The Universe’s Most Absurdly Wonderful Glitch
Let’s face it: Love is ridiculous. It’s like the universe accidentally spilled its coffee on the keyboard of human emotions and created a bug so chaotic, so illogical, that we’ve spent centuries trying to debug it—only to realize it’s the best glitch ever. If love were a movie genre, it’d be a slapstick romantic comedy where the protagonist trips over their own feelings while carrying a giant “I’m Fine” sign.
So, how do we describe this beautiful mess without resorting to clichés about butterflies or soulmates? Buckle up. We’re about to dissect love through the lens of absurdity.
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1. Love Is Like a Wi-Fi Signal in a Concrete Bunker
You know that moment when your phone claims you’ve got full bars, but your Instagram feed refuses to load? That’s love. You’re convinced you’ve got a “strong connection” with someone until they say something like, “Wait, The Office isn’t funny,” and suddenly, your emotional Wi-Fi drops to one bar. You’re left staring at a buffering heart, wondering if you should restart the router or just accept that compatibility might require an upgrade.
And let’s not forget the “password” phase. Love often feels like trying to guess someone’s Wi-Fi password without hints. You throw out random guesses: “Do you like hiking? Tacos? Existential dread?” until one day, they laugh at your weirdly specific meme, and boom—you’re in.
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2. It’s a High-Stakes Game of ‘Would You Rather’
Love turns rational adults into contestants on a never-ending game show where the questions make zero sense. “Would you rather share a toothbrush or let them name your firstborn ‘Spaceship’?” “Would you endure their snoring or give up pizza for a year?” The stakes are nonsensical, but you play anyway, because losing means being alone with your cat’s judgmental stare.
The best part? There’s no prize money. Just the occasional trophy of someone remembering your allergy to cilantro.
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3. Love Is a Labrador Retriever in a China Shop
Imagine a hyperactive Labrador—tail wagging, knocking over vases, slobbering on everything—crashing through a room filled with fragile porcelain. That’s love. It’s clumsy, overly enthusiastic, and liable to break things (like your sleep schedule or your fear of vulnerability). But just when you’re about to yell, “GET OUT,” it drops a half-chewed tennis ball (read: a heartfelt compliment) at your feet, and you melt.
Sure, love leaves paw prints on your sanity. But who needs sanity when you’ve got someone who’ll binge-watch 90 Day Fiancé with you and argue about which couple is the least dysfunctional?
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4. It’s a Subscription Service You Can’t Cancel
Love is the ultimate “free trial” that auto-renews into a lifetime contract. One minute, you’re swiping right out of boredom; the next, you’re debating whether to buy a joint Costco membership. There’s no unsubscribe button, no customer service hotline, and the terms & conditions are written in hieroglyphics.
Even when the service glitches—say, they leave wet towels on the bed or quote The Matrix during an argument—you’re weirdly committed. Canceling feels impossible, mostly because you’ve grown weirdly attached to their chaotic energy. It’s like Netflix asking, “Are you sure you want to quit?” and you’re like, “…But what if Season 2 of Us gets better?”
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5. Love Is a Never-Ending Group Project
Remember school group projects? One person does 90% of the work, another just eats glue, and someone else insists on using Comic Sans for the presentation? Congratulations—that’s marriage. Love is partnering up for a project called “Life,” where the grading rubric is unclear, deadlines don’t exist, and your teammate keeps “forgetting” to take out the trash.
But here’s the twist: You secretly love their glue-eating, Comic Sans ways. Because without them, the project would be efficient…and painfully boring.
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6. It’s Like Trying to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Love is that one life skill no one truly masters. You think you’ve got it figured out—fold the corners, tuck the edges—but then it unravels into a wrinkled mess, and you’re left questioning your life choices. Relationships are the same. You’ll spend years trying to “fold” your differences neatly, only to realize that some wrinkles are part of the charm.
And let’s be honest: Anyone who claims to have a “perfectly folded” relationship is either lying or a wizard.
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7. Love Is a Discount Coupon That Expired Yesterday
Ever found a “50% off” coupon in your junk drawer…after its expiration date? That’s love. Timing is its arch-nemesis. You meet someone amazing while you’re emotionally bankrupt, or you’re ready to commit just as they’ve joined a monastery. It’s like the universe saying, “Here’s a great deal! …Psych.”
But here’s the kicker: Sometimes, you use the expired coupon anyway. And somehow, the cashier (aka fate) shrugs and says, “Eh, close enough.”
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The Punchline? Love’s Absurdity Is the Point
We spend so much time trying to define love seriously—poems, sonnets, therapy sessions—when really, it’s the absurdity that makes it worthwhile. Love isn’t a flawless algorithm; it’s a goofy improv show where everyone forgets the script. It’s inside jokes that make no sense, shared silences that feel like conversations, and realizing that their weird snort-laugh is your new favorite sound.
So here’s to love: the world’s most gloriously malfunctioning emotion. May we never fully understand it—and may it always keep us laughing at its ridiculous, wonderful self.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my partner why comparing our relationship to a “slightly expired yogurt” is a compliment. (Hint: It’s still good…probably.)
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