How to Make Sure Your Kids Feel Heard—Especially When Conversations Get Hard
Parenting is full of moments that test our patience and communication skills. Whether it’s navigating a meltdown over a broken toy, addressing hurt feelings after a friendship fallout, or discussing tough topics like bullying or family changes, these conversations can leave both kids and adults feeling drained. But there’s one simple, powerful habit that can transform these challenging moments: validating emotions before problem-solving.
Let’s break down why this works—and how to do it effectively.
—
The Power of “I See You”
Kids, like adults, want to feel understood before they’re ready to listen or collaborate. Imagine coming home upset after a rough day at work, only to have someone immediately say, “Here’s what you should do…” without acknowledging your feelings. You’d probably shut down or feel frustrated. Kids react the same way.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with their behavior or giving in to demands. It means saying, “I see your emotions, and they matter.” For example:
– “You’re really disappointed we can’t go to the park right now.”
– “It makes sense that you’re angry your sister took your toy.”
– “This feels unfair to you, doesn’t it?”
This approach disarms tension because it addresses the emotion first—the root of most conflicts.
—
Why Validation Works (Even When It Feels Counterintuitive)
When kids are upset, their brains are often in “fight-or-flight” mode. Logic and reason take a backseat to big feelings. By validating, you help them shift from “This emotion is controlling me” to “This emotion is something I can manage.”
Psychologist Carl Rogers called this “unconditional positive regard”—a foundation for trust. When children feel heard, they’re more likely to:
1. Calm down faster (validation reduces the intensity of emotions).
2. Open up about what’s really bothering them (ever had a tantrum over a banana slice that was secretly about missing a parent?).
3. Collaborate on solutions (once the emotional storm passes).
—
How to Validate—Even When You’re Stressed
Let’s be real: It’s hard to respond thoughtfully when your child is screaming or you’re pressed for time. Here’s a three-step framework to lean on:
1. Pause and breathe.
Before reacting, take a breath (even a short one!). This creates space to respond instead of reflexively saying, “Stop crying” or “It’s not a big deal.”
2. Name the emotion—out loud.
Put words to what your child is feeling. If you’re not sure, guess: “You seem really overwhelmed right now.” Kids often lack the vocabulary to articulate complex emotions, so this teaches them to identify feelings.
3. Avoid “but” statements.
Swap “I know you’re sad, but we have to leave now” with “You’re sad about leaving. It’s hard to stop playing. Let’s plan something fun for later.” The word “but” can unintentionally dismiss the emotion.
—
Real-Life Scenarios: Putting Validation Into Practice
– For younger kids (3–7 years):
Child: “I hate you! You never let me do anything!”
Parent: “You’re really mad at me right now. It feels like I’m saying ‘no’ a lot.”
(Later, you might add: “Even when I say ‘no,’ I still love you. Let’s figure out a game we can play together.”)
– For tweens (8–12 years):
Child: “My teacher embarrassed me in front of everyone. I’m never going back to school!”
Parent: “Oof, that sounds so tough. Feeling humiliated is awful.”
(Once they’ve vented: “Do you want to brainstorm how to handle this?”)
– For teens (13+ years):
Teen: “You don’t get it! My friends are allowed to stay out later!”
Parent: “It’s frustrating to feel like you’re the only one with rules. I get why you’d be upset.”
(Later: “Let’s talk about why curfews matter to me—and what flexibility might look like.”)
—
What Validation Doesn’t Mean
Some parents worry that validating emotions equates to permissiveness. Not true! You can hold boundaries while still honoring feelings:
– “You’re furious that I took your phone. I’d feel upset too. We still need to talk about the rules.”
– “It’s okay to cry. It’s not okay to hit. Let’s take a break and try again when we’re calm.”
Think of validation as the bridge between emotion and action. It doesn’t erase consequences; it creates a safer space to face them.
—
The Long-Term Gift of Feeling Heard
When kids grow up feeling heard, they learn to:
– Trust their own emotions (instead of suppressing them).
– Communicate with empathy (because they’ve experienced it firsthand).
– Problem-solve creatively (since they’re not stuck in defensiveness).
And for parents? These moments build a deeper connection—one where tough conversations become opportunities to grow closer, not farther apart.
So next time tensions rise, try leading with, “Tell me more.” You might be surprised how much those three words can change the conversation.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » How to Make Sure Your Kids Feel Heard—Especially When Conversations Get Hard