Finding Your Strength: Handling Hurtful “Jokes” About Your Identity at School
It hits like a physical blow sometimes, doesn’t it? That snicker in the hallway, the muttered “les” as you walk past a group, the pointed “trans” comment disguised as a laugh. When people at school constantly call you lesbian or transgender “as a joke,” even if they claim it’s harmless fun, it doesn’t feel funny. It feels isolating, confusing, exhausting, and deeply disrespectful. You’re not overreacting, and you absolutely don’t have to just “take it.” This is about navigating a tough situation with your well-being as the top priority.
First and Foremost: Understanding What This Really Is
Let’s be crystal clear: This is bullying and harassment. Dressing it up as a “joke” doesn’t change that fundamental truth. Here’s why:
1. It Targets Your Identity: They are deliberately using words related to sexual orientation and gender identity to provoke, demean, or ostracize you. This attacks a core part of who you are (or who they perceive you to be).
2. It’s Repetitive and Unwanted: The “constantly” in your question is key. Once might be ignorant. Repeatedly, despite it clearly causing distress, moves it firmly into harassment territory.
3. The Power Imbalance: Whether it’s a group targeting one person or someone perceived as “different” being singled out, there’s an inherent power dynamic being exploited. The “joke” is at your expense.
4. The Harm is Real: Even if the perpetrators shrug it off as “just teasing,” the impact on you is what matters. It can cause significant emotional pain, anxiety, depression, damage self-esteem, and make school feel unsafe. That’s not trivial.
Why Do They Do It? (Understanding Doesn’t Mean Excusing)
Knowing why might not make it hurt less, but it can help depersonalize it slightly and inform your response. Common reasons include:
Ignorance and Lack of Education: Many simply don’t understand LGBTQ+ identities or the weight of these words. They parrot things they’ve heard without grasping the harm.
Insecurity and Conformity: Often, bullies act out of their own insecurities. Targeting someone else can be a misguided way to fit in with a group, appear “cool,” or deflect attention from themselves.
Testing Boundaries/Seeking Reaction: Some do it purely to get a rise out of you. Your visible upset or anger can, perversely, reinforce their behavior.
Holding Prejudiced Views: Unfortunately, some genuinely hold homophobic or transphobic beliefs and use “jokes” as a cover to express them.
Remember: Their reasons are their problem, not a justification for their actions. You deserve respect regardless.
Strategies for Coping and Responding
There’s no single “right” way to handle this, as safety and comfort are paramount. Consider these options and choose what feels most manageable for you:
1. Prioritize Your Safety and Well-being:
Breathe: When it happens, try deep breaths to stay calm and centered. Don’t feel pressured to react instantly.
Your Feelings Matter: Acknowledge the hurt, anger, or frustration. Talk to yourself with kindness – “This really sucks, but it says more about them than me.”
Find Your Safe Spaces: Identify people and places (a trusted teacher’s classroom, the library, a counselor’s office, a supportive friend group) where you feel accepted and can recharge.
Self-Care is Crucial: Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace outside of school – hobbies, music, nature, spending time with affirming people.
2. Direct (But Safe) Responses (Use with Caution):
The Calm Question: With a neutral tone, ask, “Why do you keep saying that?” or “What do you mean by that?” This can sometimes make them stumble and think. Avoid sounding angry or defensive.
The Simple Statement: A firm, calm, “Stop. That’s not funny,” or “I don’t like being called that. Don’t do it again.” Then walk away confidently. This clearly sets a boundary without engaging in an argument.
The “So What?” Approach (If you feel safe): A dismissive shrug or a bored “Okay? And?” can sometimes deflate their attempt to get a reaction. This takes practice and isn’t right for everyone.
Avoid Escalation: If they seem aggressive or the situation feels unsafe, disengage immediately. Your physical safety is non-negotiable. Walk away and report it.
3. Document Everything:
Keep a Log: Write down every incident. Include the date, time, location, exactly what was said or done, who was involved, and who witnessed it. Be as specific as possible.
Save Evidence: If it happens online (texts, social media comments), take screenshots immediately. Keep emails or notes.
4. Enlist Support: You Are NOT Alone
Trusted Friends: Confide in friends you know are safe and supportive. Having allies who can walk with you, offer comfort, or even speak up if they witness it can make a huge difference.
Trusted Adults: This is CRITICAL.
Counselor/School Psychologist: They are trained to handle bullying and student well-being. They can offer emotional support, coping strategies, and help navigate school reporting systems.
Teachers or Coaches: Approach a teacher or coach you trust and feel respected by. Show them your documentation. A teacher intervening in the moment or speaking to the perpetrators privately can be effective.
Administrators (Principal, Vice Principal, Dean): If the behavior continues, or if it’s severe, you must report it to administration. Present your detailed log. Frame it clearly as ongoing harassment based on perceived sexual orientation/gender identity. This is often a violation of school anti-bullying policies and potentially even anti-discrimination laws (like Title IX in the US). Ask specifically what actions they will take and when you can expect follow-up.
Family/Caregivers: If you have supportive family, tell them what’s happening. They can advocate for you with the school and provide crucial emotional backup.
External Support:
LGBTQ+ Organizations: Groups like The Trevor Project (US), Stonewall (UK), or local LGBTQ+ youth centers offer resources, support lines, and sometimes legal guidance.
Helplines: Confidential helplines specific to bullying or LGBTQ+ youth can provide immediate support and advice (e.g., TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386, Childline, etc.).
What If the School Doesn’t Act?
Unfortunately, sometimes schools are slow or ineffective. If this happens:
1. Be Persistent: Follow up with administrators. Keep detailed records of when you reported and what (if any) response you got.
2. Escalate: Go higher – school board, district superintendent. Involve your parents/caregivers strongly in this process.
3. Legal Resources: In many places, harassment based on sexual orientation or gender identity is illegal. Organizations like the ACLU (US) or local legal aid societies specializing in education or LGBTQ+ rights might be able to advise or intervene.
Protecting Your Inner Light
Amidst all this, protecting your sense of self is vital.
Affirm Your Worth: Their words are ignorant noise. Remind yourself daily of your strengths, your passions, and the people who genuinely value you. You are valid exactly as you are.
Connect with Community: If possible, find or create connections with other LGBTQ+ students, even online. Knowing you’re part of a larger, vibrant community can be incredibly powerful.
Focus on the Future: School is a chapter, not the whole story. Keep nurturing your interests and dreams. This difficult time will pass, and you will find places and people where you are celebrated, not mocked.
Being targeted with these “jokes” is deeply unfair and painful. It takes real strength just to get through the day sometimes. Remember that you have the right to feel safe and respected at school. Documenting the harassment, telling trusted adults, and seeking support are not signs of weakness; they are powerful acts of self-defense and self-care. Don’t carry this burden alone. Reach out, use your voice (when safe), and know that your identity is not a punchline – it’s a part of your unique and valuable story. Keep looking for your light, and keep walking towards it. You deserve so much better than this, and better days are ahead.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Finding Your Strength: Handling Hurtful “Jokes” About Your Identity at School