How Do I Know If My Parental Rules Are Good? A Teacher and Parent’s Real Check-In
Last Saturday, I met my friend Lila at the coffee shop down the street from the elementary school. Lila’s 7-year-old, Jax, was at morning soccer practice, and she’d dragged a crumpled sheet of notebook paper out of her tote before I even ordered my black coffee. She slid it across the sticky table, rain beading on the window behind her, and asked exactly the question she’d texted me about the night before: “Can you tell me if my parental rules are good?”
The list was neat, bullet points written in blue pen: 1. No screens before school on weekdays. 2. All homework done before after-school play. 3. One snack after school, no cookies or candy before dinner. 4. In bed, lights out by 8:30, no exceptions. 5. No yelling when you’re upset.
I laughed and told her I had a nearly identical list taped to my fridge 8 years ago, when my oldest was Jax’s age. I’d even added a “put all toys away before dinner” rule that I swore was non-negotiable. The week I made that rule, he was working on a 500-piece Lego castle for the school’s fairy tale contest. It spanned half the playroom floor, and he kept saying he needed to “add the battlements” before he could be done. I told him the rule was the rule, he had to take it apart. He cried, I stood my ground, we picked up every last piece, and ate cold pasta for dinner because we wasted 45 minutes fighting. Next morning, he couldn’t find the main gate piece anywhere. He sat on the floor sobbing, said he couldn’t turn in his project, and I stood there realizing I’d messed up the whole thing just to prove a point about a rule I’d made up for my own peace of mind.
After 12 years of parenting and 10 years teaching 4th grade, I don’t bother chasing perfect rule lists anymore. I told Lila I have three quick questions I ask any time I’m wondering if a rule is actually good, no fancy psychology required.
First: Who is this rule for? Is it keeping my kid safe, or helping them build a habit they actually need right now, or is it just making my day easier? It’s okay if it’s the latter sometimes, but you have to be honest about it, and cut yourself some slack when flexibility is needed. Lila’s no-screens-before-school rule existed because she needed 20 minutes to answer work emails before drop-off, which was totally fair. But when she admitted Jax gets up 20 minutes early some days and does his favorite reading app quietly while she works, I pointed out there’s no reason to enforce the rule just for the sake of checking a box. My old Lego rule was 100% for me: I wanted a clean playroom before dinner, I didn’t want to step on tiny plastic pieces. There was nothing about it that helped my kid grow, just made me less stressed for 10 minutes before I made both of us miserable.
Second: Can a kid this age actually follow this rule most days, without me reminding them every hour? Lila looked at the “no yelling when you’re upset” line and winced. I told her I see this all the time in class: parents tell kids not to cry or yell when they’re mad, but a 7-year-old’s brain isn’t developed enough to regulate big emotions that fast. I yell when I burn toast or can’t find my keys, right? Why would we expect a kid to do what we can’t manage consistently? Instead of a rule against feeling big feelings, swap it for a small, actionable expectation: “When you’re done letting that feeling out, we can talk about how to fix it.” Lila crossed out the no yelling line right there on the paper and wrote that new line in its place.
Third: What happens when someone breaks it? Is the consequence tied directly to the rule, or is it just a random punishment to make them feel bad? If Jax forgets to do homework before play, taking away his soccer game on Saturday doesn’t make any sense. It just makes him mad at you, and he doesn’t connect the mistake to the consequence. If he has to skip his after-dinner cartoon to finish it, that’s logical, it ties directly to what he did, and he’s far more likely to remember it next time. When I punished my son by taking away his dessert for not putting away the Legos, it didn’t teach him anything about cleaning up. It just taught him I cared more about my rule than his project.
Lila adjusted the 8:30 lights out rule too, changing it from “lights out no exceptions” to “pajamas and teeth by 8:30, lights out when you’re tired, as long as you get up on your own for school.” She folded the paper back up, threw an extra sugar packet into her tote, and said she already felt less like she was failing at this whole parenting thing.
We’re meeting again next Saturday to see how the new set works. I didn’t tell her that I still do this check every couple of months with my own kids, and I still get it wrong sometimes. Last week I yelled at my 10-year-old for leaving his soccer cleats by the front door, a rule I’ve had for a year because I hate tripping on them when I carry in groceries. Halfway through my lecture, I realized the shoe rack we have is too full of his winter boots to fit the cleats, so he literally didn’t have anywhere else to put them. I apologized, we cleared out a space on the lower shelf just for his cleats, and that was that.
Good rules aren’t the ones that never get broken. They’re the ones that change when you and your kid change. I don’t have a perfect list of rules to give anyone, and I don’t think anyone needs one. This week, I’m just checking the ones I’ve got, same as Lila.
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