Common Questions Kids Have Before Going Back to School: Real, Practical Answers For Parents
Last Tuesday, I was folding my 10-year-old Mia’s new plaid uniform skirt at the kitchen counter, half-watching a rerun of The Great British Baking Show, when she leaned against the fridge and said, “Mom? I have some questions before going back to school.” Her sock had a hole in the toe, and she was twisting the silver friendship bracelet her cousin made her last summer around her wrist – the same fidget she does when she’s nervous before doctor’s appointments. I put down the folding board right then, because I remembered the last time she’d held back questions like this, back in March when I kept brushing off her stomach aches as “first week jitters” that would go away. By the end of that month, she was having panic attacks before PE and couldn’t stay through a full day of school, so we pulled her out for half a year of part-time homeschool and doctor-ordered adjustments for her anxiety. This time, I wasn’t going to brush her off.
She went first, slow: “What if no one remembers me?” I almost opened with the automatic response – Of course they remember you, you were friends with Lila since second grade! – but I stopped. That answer doesn’t actually fix the fear, does it? It just tells the kid their worry is silly. Instead, I nodded at her phone on the counter. “You have Lila’s number, right? Want to text her right now and say you’re excited to sit with her at lunch next week? We can even drop off those lemon cookies you baked for her tomorrow if you want.” Ten minutes later, we’d sent the text, dropped the cookies off on Lila’s porch, and had a reply back: I’ve been saving you a seat next to me, I missed you. That beat any generic reassurance I could come up with.
Next question: “What if I need to leave class because I’m overwhelmed, and the teacher says no?” Again, I almost said “She’d never say that, we talked to her already!” But that doesn’t help Mia when she’s red-faced and panicking in the middle of a math lesson. Instead, I pulled the printed pass we’d already arranged out of my pocket. It just says “Brain Break Pass” in big letters, signed by the principal and her new fifth grade teacher. I told her: “You keep this in the front of your pencil case. If you feel overwhelmed, you just get up and go. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. If someone stops you, show them this note I put in your planner that says we cleared this with the office. If they still give you a hard time, you tell me that night when you get home, and I’ll be at the school before 8 a.m. the next day to sort it out.” She tucked the pass into her pencil case right away, and the twisting of her bracelet slowed down.
Third question: “What if I’m so far behind from missing school that I fail my first test?” I’d already heard this one from a dozen other parents whose kids missed extended time off for one reason or another, and the default answer is always You’ll catch up, you’re so smart! Again, that doesn’t do anything for the kid staring at a worksheet they don’t understand. A few weeks earlier, I’d emailed her new teacher and asked for a short list of the most important fourth grade skills kids need going into fifth. It turned out to be just two things: long division and basic paragraph structure. We’ve been doing 15 minutes of practice a couple times a week this month, nothing intense, just working through a few problems together after dinner. I told her: “I already talked to the principal, and she said first month grades are just for teachers to see where everyone is. If you fail the first test, that’s fine. We can get extra help, and it won’t hurt your final grade at the end of the semester. No one expects you to be caught up on everything day one.”
Last question: “What if people ask why I was gone all that time? I don’t want to talk about it.” I didn’t tell her it’s nothing to be ashamed of (even though it isn’t) or that people have a right to know. Instead, we came up with two short lines she can use, whatever feels comfortable in the moment: either “I had some health stuff, but I’m glad to be back now” or “I just took some time off, how was your summer?” We practiced at dinner that night, with my husband playing the role of a too-curious classmate. When he kept pushing for more details after she used her line, we practiced saying “I don’t really want to talk about it” and turning to ask another question. She laughed so hard when my husband overdid the confused nosy act that she snort-laughed soda out her nose.
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about how no one talks about the fact that parents have just as many questions before going back to school as kids do. I still wonder if we pushed her to come back too soon, if we’re giving her too much accommodation that will hold her back later, if the first day will end with me getting a call to come pick her up halfway through. I don’t have answers to all of those.
What I do know is that most of the time, when kids ask questions before going back to school, they aren’t asking for a pep talk. They’re asking for a small, concrete plan that fits their specific fear. You don’t need to fix everything at once. You just need to meet one question with one small action, instead of a vague platitude that dismisses how they feel. If your kid is worried about finding their locker, you drive to the school the weekend before and walk the route with them. If they’re worried about lunch, you pack their favorite snack the first week, no questions asked. Small, specific steps take a lot of the weight out of the worry.
The first day of school is next Monday. Mia still hasn’t decided if she’s bringing her stuffed rabbit Polly in her backpack (I told her the side pocket is big enough, no matter what anyone says). We have all her initial questions answered for now, and a half-blank note page in her planner to write down new ones as they pop up. I don’t know how it’s going to go. Some days will be good, some days will be hard, that’s just how it goes. But that’s okay. We’re ready enough, for right now.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Common Questions Kids Have Before Going Back to School: Real, Practical Answers For Parents