How to Make Sure Each of Your Kids Gets Enough One-On-One Time: Real Tips For Parents of 2+ Kids
Last Tuesday, I was folding clean bath towels on the couch when Lila, my 7-year-old, dropped a beat-up deck of Uno on top of the pile. “Can we play? Just us?” Before I could answer, my 4-year-old Jax climbed into my lap and started yelling that he wanted to deal first, and my 10-month-old Mia rolled off the opposite end of the couch and started whimpering from the rug. I looked at Lila’s face, and she just tucked the deck under her arm and walked quietly back to her room. That stung more than any of the sleepless nights or messy dinner nights I’ve dealt with as a mom of three.
I went after her a few minutes later, after I got Mia propped up with a teething biscuit and Jax distracted with a granola bar. She was coloring unicorn drawings at her desk, and when I asked if she was okay she just shrugged and said “It’s fine, I know you’re busy.” I’d read a hundred posts that said consistent one-on-one time was key for keeping sibling jealousy down and helping kids feel secure, but after the third kid, I’d pretty much resigned myself to failing at it. I couldn’t imagine carving out an hour of uninterrupted time per kid every week, not when someone always needs a diaper change, a snack, or help with homework all at the same time.
Then I started messing around with small, unplanned bits of time that fit into our existing routine, instead of trying to add big special outings to my already full to-do list. The first thing that stuck was grabbing any 5 to 15 minute gap that only one kid is around. For example, every school morning, Lila gets up 15 minutes earlier than Jax and Mia. I used to use that time to rush through unloading the dishwasher and packing lunches, but now I let her help me make coffee. She stands on a step stool, measures the beans, and presses the button, and we just stand there together waiting for it to brew. She tells me about which girls are being nice at recess that week, or what level she got to on her reading app, and no one interrupts. It’s only 10 minutes, but she talks about it some nights at dinner, how that’s our special coffee time.
Another thing that works for us is letting one kid come along for small errands alone. When I need to run to the corner store for milk or bread, I don’t round up all three kids and load everyone into the car. I ask who wants to come with me, and take just that one. The 10 minute drive there and back is just us chatting, and they get to pick out a little treat at the store that’s just theirs. I used to feel guilty for leaving the others at home with my partner, but he doesn’t mind, and the kid that comes along gets all my attention the whole time. We do this about twice a week, so every kid gets a turn every couple of days.
I used to think one-on-one time had to be focused on a fun activity, with me putting all chores aside to be “fully present”. But I’ve learned that doesn’t work for our family of five. Half the time, Jax just wants to follow me around while I fold laundry and tell me every fact he knows about T-Rexes. That counts. Lila likes to sort socks with me while we talk about her art class projects. I’m still getting chores done, but all the attention is on them, and that’s what matters. When Mia goes down for her nap, Jax knows he gets two minutes of my time to show me whatever he built that morning before I start answering work emails, and that’s enough for him most days.
When all three want my attention at the same time, I don’t try to split myself three ways. I just name the order of turns out loud, and set a visible timer so everyone knows when their turn is coming. Last week, all three wanted to show me something they’d made right after dinner. I pulled out my phone, set the timer for 10 minutes, and said “First it’s Mia’s turn to show me her sticky puzzle, then Jax, then Lila. You two can go set your pictures by the couch, and I’ll come to you when the timer beeps.” No one fusses, because they know their turn is guaranteed. I used to think this would make them more upset, but it turns out kids just want to know their turn is coming, not that they get it right this second.
It’s not perfect. Some weeks, when the baby is sick or I have a big work deadline, someone goes a few days without more than a minute or two of alone time with me. Two weeks ago, Mia had an ear infection, and I spent almost every night rocking her for a week, and Lila told me she felt forgotten. I just got up 20 minutes early the next Saturday, made chocolate chip pancakes just her, and we played three rounds of Uno at the kitchen table before the other two woke up. That fixed it.
I still have days where I look around and feel like I’m not giving enough of myself to any of them. I used to compare my messy, small bits of time to the fancy monthly parent-kid dates I see other people post about, and feel like I’m falling short. But these small, unplanned bits of time add up. We don’t do fancy monthly one-on-one dates, and we don’t have a rigid schedule. We just grab the time we have, whenever we can get it. Right now, that’s working for us. I’m sure we’ll adjust it when the kids get older and their needs change, but for now, it’s enough.
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