Should I wait to get pregnant after having a couple of vacations? What I learned from waiting
The coffee ring from my morning mug is still spreading across the worn pine kitchen table when my phone pings with a group chat notification. I glance down while my 18-month-old, Lila, bashes a Cheerio box against the leg of her high chair, crumbs flying onto the floor. It’s my friend Mia, photo of her posing by the Amalfi Coast posted: “Last pre-baby vacay done. We had two big trips this year, like we planned… but should I wait another year for our Japan trip before we start trying?” I snort a little, because I asked that exact same question at this same table three years ago, after we wrapped our own two big vacations: a two-week backpacking trip through Costa Rica, and a long weekend in New Orleans for our best friends’ wedding.
Back then, every parenting influencer and older cousin we knew had a hot take. “Wait as long as you can, you’ll never travel like that again!” “Don’t put off pregnancy for trips – fertility doesn’t care about your bucket list!” I was 30, we had no known fertility issues, we’d saved for both the trips and the eventual baby costs, but I couldn’t shake the nagging: we said we’d do two trips before kids, but we had those two trips, should we wait more for the one we really wanted? We ended up waiting 18 months to do the walking safari I’d dreamed of since I was a kid, saw a pride of lions rest right outside our tent, drank cheap South African wine every night, slept in until 7 a.m. every single day. It was everything I wanted it to be. We got home, started trying, had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, got pregnant again two months later, had Lila. That’s just how it went. There’s no big happy bow or terrible tragedy, just real life.
What I’ve learned since then, talking to a dozen other friends who’ve been in this same spot, is that most people give you black and white answers that don’t help. The good stuff is in the small, concrete questions you can ask yourself instead of scrolling TikTok for pre-baby trip advice. First thing I tell people is to book that pre-conception checkup before you decide anything. I know it sounds boring, but it’s not just about checking for fertility issues – it’s about knowing what your actual timeline risk is. I went in before we decided to wait, my doctor said I was healthy, no red flags, waiting 18 months wasn’t going to change my outlook much. For a friend of mine who’s 36, she went in, found out her egg reserve was lower than expected, and decided to start trying right after her two vacations, instead of waiting another two years for the European trip. It’s not a guarantee of anything, but it gives you actual information instead of just panicking about what might happen.
Second, break down the trip you’re thinking of waiting for into what you actually want out of it. Not the Instagram version, the real version. I wanted a walking safari, where you hike 5 miles a day with a guide, no kids allowed for safety reasons. That specific experience I wanted couldn’t happen with a 3-year-old, so waiting made sense for me. If I just wanted to go to Africa and see elephants, I could do that in a family-friendly lodge when Lila is 5, and it would be great, just different. Another example: one of my friends wanted to do a two-week backpacking trip around Thailand, staying in cheap hostels and hanging out at beach bars late into the night. That wasn’t something she wanted to do with a kid, so she went for it before trying. Another friend wanted to go to Japan for the food and cherry blossoms, and she realized she could just as easily go when her kid is 3, stay in a nice hotel, bring a stroller, and still have a great time, so she started trying right after her first two vacations. It’s not vague “follow your heart” advice, it’s just a simple check of what you actually need out of the trip.
Third, write down the actual trade-offs, not the worst-case scenarios everyone yells about on the internet. I wrote two lists on a scrap of notebook paper back then. One list: what happens if I wait. The worst case: we struggle to conceive, I lose a year I wanted to have a kid. The best case: I get the trip I’ve wanted for 18 years, no lingering what-ifs. Second list: what happens if I start trying now. Worst case: I spend every family vacation for the first five years wondering why I didn’t go, that quiet resentment nags at me when I see other people’s photos. Best case: I have the kid a year and a half earlier, we go on the trip when the kid is old enough, it’s still great. For me, the trade-off was worth it, even with the miscarriage, even with getting Lila a little later than we planned. For someone else, the trade-off wouldn’t be worth it, and that’s okay.
Lila just dumped the entire box of Cheerios onto the floor, and I have to pause to grab the broom from the hall closet. I texted Mia back earlier, just told her what I’d do, but not that she had to copy me. She texted back 10 minutes ago, said they booked the Japan trip, and are starting trying when they get back. I don’t know if it’ll work out exactly how she wants it, but I know she asked herself the right questions instead of just going with what everyone else told her to do.
There’s no perfect answer to this question. Some days I wonder what it would have been like if we’d started trying right after those first two vacations, if Lila would be a little older, if we’d have more space to think about a second kid already. Other days I flip through my safari photo album, and I’m so glad I went, that I have that whole memory just for me and my husband before we became mom and dad. It’s not a neat, resolved thing. It’s just a choice you make with the information you have, and you adjust after that.
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