What Is the Best Age to Have Kids? An Honest Parent’s Perspective
The coffee shop table was sticky with spilled oat milk and melted hot cocoa when Lila pulled a spit-up soaked onesie out of her diaper bag and sighed. “Everyone has an opinion,” she said, nodding at 8-week-old Jax, who was gnawing on the end of her braid. “My mom says I’m too young. My coworker says I’m lucky I’ll be done raising kids when I’m still young enough to enjoy life. I don’t know what to think.” Across the table, Mia, who’s 38 and six months pregnant with her first, snorted into her latte. “Try being me. My OB keeps talking about ‘advanced maternal age’ like I’m 80. Every aunt at Thanksgiving asks if we’re sure we didn’t wait too long. I just want someone to tell me what the actual best age is, so I can stop second-guessing.” I wiped a smudge of chocolate off my 7-year-old’s cheek and nodded. I had my son at 28, the “just right” middle age that no one complains about, but I’ve gotten just as many unsolicited takes: You should’ve waited to travel more. You should’ve had him sooner when your parents were younger to help. No one’s ever happy with the age you pick.
Lila’s 22, married straight out of high school, works part-time at a hair salon, and lives in a tiny mobile home parked on her in-laws’ land. She can’t afford to replace the broken water heater that’s been spotty for a month, and last week she cried because she couldn’t swing the $40 organic baby wrap she saw on Instagram. But when Jax had a 2 a.m. growth spurt and wanted to be walked around the living room for two hours, she didn’t even feel tired the next day. She says she’ll be 42 when Jax graduates college, young enough to go on cross-country road trips with him and his future kids, if she wants. That matters more to her than a fancy wrap or a new water heater right now.
Mia and her husband paid off their mortgage five years ago, have six figures in savings, and spent their 20s and 30s backpacking through Southeast Asia and climbing mountains all over the world. She quit her high-paying marketing job last year, so she’ll be able to stay home full-time once the baby comes. But she has persistent high blood pressure this pregnancy, and after walking around the block to pick up her mail, she needs to sit down for 20 minutes to rest. She told me last week she helped her niece move into a dorm, and it hit her that she’ll be 60 when her kid does the same. That thought nags at her some nights, but she also says she wouldn’t trade the 15 years of work and travel she got under her belt before having a baby. She never would’ve been able to quit her job if she’d had kids in her 20s, and that time to herself made her sure she’s ready now.
By the time we finished our drinks, my son was bouncing off the booth begging for a cookie, and we all hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. As I drove home, he passed out in the backseat covered in cookie crumbs, and I thought about how no one ever talks about what actually matters beyond the number. I get asked this question all the time by new parents and people planning for kids, and I never give them a number. I just give them two concrete questions to work through on their own, because that’s what cuts through all the noise.
First, ask: Can you cover three months of lost income if one of you needs to take unpaid leave for a sick baby or postpartum recovery? This isn’t about being rich. Lila can’t cover three months on her own, but her mom agreed to cover rent if they need it, so that counts as coverage. Mia has a full year of savings set aside, so that’s her coverage. It’s just about having enough margin to not lose your home or your job if things go off plan, which they almost always do with a new baby. If you don’t have that margin right now, that doesn’t mean you’re too young or too old, it just means you might want to wait a little longer to build that safety net, no matter what your age is.
Second, ask: Can you say no to at least one non-essential commitment a week right now? If you’re already working 60-hour weeks and have every weekend booked with events before you have a baby, adding a newborn to that schedule will break you, whether you’re 22 or 42. Having a baby means you have to cut things out, so if you can’t practice saying no now, it’ll be that much harder later. That’s a simple test anyone can do, no number required.
After that, just write down the three things you most want out of parenthood, and leave it at that. If being young enough to hike and travel with your kid when they’re an adult is top of your list, having kids earlier lines up with that. If being done with your career climb so you can make every soccer game and school play is top of your list, waiting makes more sense. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.
Last week I helped Lila haul a used water heater into her mobile home, and we ate peanut butter sandwiches while Jax napped on the couch. Last month I booked the backyard for Mia’s baby shower, and she brought over a stack of picture books she’s been collecting for 10 years. Last night my son left his first lost tooth under his pillow, and I remembered holding him for the first time at 28, convinced I’d picked the wrong time.
Right now, all three of us are just muddling through. Lila worries about money, Mia worries about energy, I worry I missed out on travel when I was younger. But it’s working for all of us. I don’t think there’s a single best age, just the best age for what you want and what you can handle right now. No timeline is perfect, and that’s okay.
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