How to Deal With an Infant While Putting a Toddler to Bed: Real Parenting Tips for Tired Caregivers
7:17 PM, according to the phone peeking out of my sweatpants pocket. I’m leaning against my 2-year-old Milo’s bedroom doorframe, 3-month-old Lila screaming so hard into the baby carrier on my chest that her little body is shaking, and my shoulder is already throbbing. Milo is standing on his bed, one hand clamped around his stitched dinosaur blanket, the other holding a wobbly stack of four picture books, and his lower lip is already sticking out like he’s one missed page turn away from a full meltdown. This is the bedtime routine I never saw talked about before Lila was born: juggling a fussy infant while trying to get your older kid the consistent bedtime he needs.
For the first four weeks after we brought Lila home, I tried every trick the parenting message boards recommended. I’d put Lila down first, feed her, rock her, get her asleep, then sneak out to do Milo’s routine. Half the time she’d wake up screaming before I even finished the first story, and Milo would pop right off his bed to “go see baby” and refuse to settle back down. If I reversed it, did Milo’s routine first, I’d spend the whole time rushing through words, one ear tuned to Lila’s cries from the living room, and Milo would pick up on my stress immediately. He’d drag his feet on putting on pajamas, demand three extra sips of water, refuse to lie down – anything to stretch out the time I was rushing to end. I once spent an hour and a half working through bedtime, and ended up sitting on the hallway floor crying while both kids screamed behind closed doors.
Slowly, I started tweaking things to fit our house, instead of trying to fit our house into someone else’s perfect routine. The first small change was prepping the baby 10 minutes before we start toddler bedtime. No more starting the routine with a half-fed, wet-diapered baby. I feed Lila, burp her, change her, and get her wrapped up before I even turn on Milo’s hall light. If she’s sleepy and content, I set her in a small vibrating bouncer I keep right next to Milo’s bed – it has its own soft white noise setting, so if she starts grunting it doesn’t disrupt everything. If she’s already fussy, I just leave her in the soft carrier on my front. My hands are still free to turn pages and tuck his blanket, and most of the time she settles against my chest within a few minutes.
The next thing that made a huge difference was giving Milo one tiny baby-related job every single night. It’s never anything big – just “can you grab Lila’s pacifier off the bathroom counter?” or “which lovey do you think Lila wants to bring to story time tonight?” At first I worried this would make him feel like the baby was taking my attention away, but it’s done the opposite. He loves being a big helper, and it lets him be part of what’s going on instead of feeling like he’s waiting for me to be done with the baby. One night he insisted on giving Lila his old baby blanket that he outgrew when he turned one, and he was so proud of his choice that he climbed right into bed after story time without any fuss just to show me how good big brothers behave.
I also stopped panicking when Lila needs to nurse mid-routine. Before, I’d try to rush her, tell Milo to wait on his bed alone for five minutes, and he’d end up getting into the marker jar or climbing his dresser to get a toy. Now I keep a small bin of quiet toys and a couple of rotated board books (swapped out every few days so they feel new) plus a small bag of puffs (exclusive to bedtime, so it feels like a little treat) next to the glider in Milo’s room. When I need to stop to nurse Lila, Milo just sits on the ottoman next to me and plays or looks at his books. It adds 10 minutes to the routine some nights, but it’s 10 calm minutes instead of 30 minutes of chasing and tantrums.
Most importantly, I stopped clinging to the perfect rigid routine I had before Lila. I used to do the exact same 25-minute sequence – bath, pajamas, three stories, lullaby, lights out at 7:30 sharp – every single night. Now, if Lila is extra fussy, we skip the bath and do PJs on the couch, or do two stories instead of three, or let Milo listen to his favorite alphabet song on my phone while I rock Lila. It doesn’t ruin his sleep habits long term, I’ve learned. The most important thing is that he feels seen, not that we check every box on a list.
Last night, it all fell apart anyway. Lila was in the middle of a growth spurt, wanted to nurse nonstop, and Milo decided he needed a glass of water, then another story, then had to go potty three separate times. We didn’t get both of them down until 8:45, an hour later than our target. I ate a cold granola bar standing over the kitchen sink afterwards, my back ached, and I forgot to take the laundry out of the dryer like I planned. But some nights it works. Earlier this week, we got both of them down by 7:40, and I got to sit on the front porch and drink a warm cup of tea before I had to deal with the endless pile of dishes. It’s not perfect, I still haven’t figured out how to change a spit-up covered shirt mid-story without everything falling apart, and some nights I still end up leaning against the wall breathing hard after bedtime. But these small, low-fuss changes have turned what used to be the most stressful part of my day into something that works more often than not. I’m still figuring it out, same as every other parent with two little kids.
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