Is jumping in to fix your kid’s small problems common for all parents? What I learned as a mom and teacher
Last Saturday, I stood leaning against a playground fence licking a melting cherry popsicle, watching my 7-year-old Mia fight to screw the cap back on her stainless steel water bottle. Her hands were sticky from her own popsicle, the cap was stiff from being washed the night before, and she’d been at it for almost a full minute, grunting as she twisted it back and forth. The new mom standing next to me, whose son was playing tag with Mia, nodded toward her and asked, “Aren’t you going to help her out?”
I shrugged and said I was waiting to see if she could work it out. She laughed, shifting her toddler higher on her hip, and said, “Oh, I would’ve grabbed that 45 seconds ago. I always jump in that fast. Is that weird? Is this even a common thing all parents do, or am I just too impatient to let them struggle?”
I didn’t give her a straight answer right away, because I hear this exact question at least once a month—from other parents at the playground, from the families of my 4th grade students at parent-teacher conferences, even from my own sister when she calls to vent about her 5-year-old. Last semester, I had a 9-year-old named Javi in my class who would come to my desk every time his shoelace came untied, hold out his foot, and wait for me to tie it. When I asked why he didn’t give it a try himself, he shrugged and said his mom does it every morning before school, and if it comes undone, she said I could do it because he’ll just get frustrated and trip. When I brought it up to his mom a month later, she sighed and said she knows she should let him practice, but they’re always running 5 minutes late in the morning, and it’s just faster if she does it. “Am I the only one who does this?” she asked me. “Is this normal?”
The answer I give everyone is that yes, this is incredibly common. Almost every parent I know jumps in to fix small struggles faster than they need to more often than not. We’re all juggling work deadlines, dinner prep, school drop-offs, and a dozen other small tasks that pile up before 9 a.m. Waiting 3 extra minutes for your kid to zip their own coat or open their own snack feels like a waste of time when you can do it in 3 seconds. I don’t think there’s a parent out there who hasn’t finished a kid’s puzzle or tied their shoe or straightened their lopsided drawing just to move things along.
The thing that’s worth noticing, though, isn’t that you do it—it’s how often it becomes a habit before you realize it. I started paying attention to this after I noticed that a lot of the kids I teach who struggle to stick with hard math problems or work through a disagreement with a friend are the same kids whose parents regularly step in to solve their small daily problems for them. It’s not that the kids can’t do it—it’s that they never get to practice.
That’s why I started using a tiny trick a few years ago, and I share it with every parent who asks me about this. Any time your kid is struggling with something, before you open your mouth or reach out your hand, count to 10 slow in your head. That’s it. Nine times out of 10, that 10 seconds is enough time for them to try one more time, adjust their approach, and get it done on their own. If they ask for help after 10 seconds, you can help them—no guilt involved.
I also make tiny adjustments to our stuff so it’s easier for Mia to do things on her own, instead of stepping in for her. Her water bottle cap was always too stiff, so I wrapped a thick rubber band around it to give her more grip when she twists—problem solved, no more me opening it every time. Her shoe laces were too slippery for her to tie, so I swapped them for waxed laces that hold their shape better, and she learned to tie them two weeks earlier than her teacher expected. When she’s stuck on a Lego set or a craft, I don’t point out the right piece or fix the mistake for her. I just say, “Have you looked at the picture again?” or “What if you turn that piece around?” That’s enough to guide her without doing the work for her.
I’m not perfect at this, by a long shot. Last week, I was running late to a virtual work meeting, and Mia was trying to make her own peanut butter sandwich for lunch. She dropped the knife on the counter, got peanut butter all over the placemat, and I immediately wiped it up, finished spreading the peanut butter, cut the crusts off, and handed it to her before she could even ask if she could try again. By the time I got to my meeting, I was kicking myself—she just wanted to do it herself, and I took that chance away because I was in a hurry. It happens.
A week after that playground conversation, I ran into that mom Lisa at the grocery store. She told me she tried the 10-second count that Sunday when her son was putting on his cleats before soccer practice. He fumbled with the laces for two whole minutes, and she almost jumped in three times, but she counted. He tied them all by himself, and they were 2 minutes late to practice, but he sat in the car the whole way showing off his knots to anyone who would look. She said she still jumps in when they’re really late, or when he’s already upset about something else, and that’s okay with her.
That’s the thing about this whole question. It’s normal to jump in. It’s common to prioritize getting out the door on time over letting your kid struggle for a few minutes. No one does this right 100% of the time. I still mess up, I still jump in when I shouldn’t, and I still have days where I just don’t have the patience to wait 10 seconds. The small pauses add up, though. You don’t have to overhaul how you parent to make a difference. You just have to count to 10 every once in a while.
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