Why Toddlers Hit And Won’t Clean Up: Answers From An ECE Practitioner
Last Tuesday at the downtown community playgroup I run, I was wiping cream cheese off a 3-year-old’s cheek when a woman pulled me aside by the water fountain. Her 2-year-old son, Leo, was hiding behind her legs, peeking out at the little boy he’d just smacked over a plastic snow shovel. The woman, Mia, was pink-cheeked and breathless, like she’d been working up the courage to talk to me for 10 minutes. “I posted in the local parent Facebook group three days ago,” she said, twisting the strap of her canvas tote. “The title was ‘Hello, ECE practitioners please reply to this!’ and I asked why my kid keeps hitting even when we scold him every time. No one answered. I’m doing something wrong, aren’t I?”
The radio in the corner sputtered an off-key version of Baby Shark, a pack of kids ran past screaming after a stray balloon, and crumbs from a half-eaten bag of goldfish crackers crunched under my sneakers. I sat down on the nearest kid-sized bench – the adult folding chairs were all claimed by nannies scrolling TikTok – and told her what I tell almost every parent who asks me this question: hitting at age 2 isn’t bad behavior. It’s communication.
“I watched Leo for five full minutes before he hit,” I told her, nodding toward where he was now tugging a stranger’s jacket to beg a sticker. “He stood right by that shovel, waiting, pulling the strings on his hoodie over and over. He doesn’t have the words to walk over and say ‘I want a turn when you’re done.’ All he knows is the want is so big it has to come out somewhere. Scolding him doesn’t teach him what to do instead – it just teaches him that big feelings are bad, which makes the hitting happen more.”
I walked her through the exact steps I use in my classroom, no fancy tricks or expensive tools required. If you spot your kid hovering and tightening their fists, step in early and name the feeling for them before they lash out: “You really want that truck, don’t you? It’s so hard to wait. Let’s go ask for a turn together.” If they already hit, check on the hurt child first – that models care for others without shaming your kid. Then say clearly, “I won’t let you hit people, hitting hurts” – don’t call your kid bad, just the action. Name the feeling they couldn’t put into words: “You were so frustrated waiting for that shovel, right?” Then give them a safe outlet for that big feeling: keep a foam block or a beat-up stuffed animal by the play area that they can hit as hard as they want when they’re mad. Finally, help them say the words they need, so they start to remember for next time.
We got to test it that same day. Fifteen minutes later, a little girl grabbed the dump truck Leo had been sitting with, pushing dirt around the sensory bin. I saw his face flush, his fist clench at his side. I walked over, pulled the small foam block I keep in my pocket for practice, and held it out. “You’re really mad that she took your truck, huh?” I said. He hit the block as hard as he could, twice, his little shoulders shaking with the effort. Then I said, “Now let’s go tell her ‘my turn please.’” He mumbled the words into his chest, the little girl handed the truck over, and no one got hurt. Mia stood by the door watching, and I saw her shoulders relax for the first time since she pulled me aside. “I never even thought to tell him what he’s feeling,” she said. “I’m always too worried the other parents are judging me that I just yank him away and scold.”
That night, I went home and pulled up the original post Mia mentioned. It had 42 comments from other parents commiserating: “My kid does that too!” “Just wait it out, they grow out of it,” “You just need to be more consistent.” But not a single person who worked in early childhood had replied. The post had three more questions along with the hitting one that I see all the time, so I answered them all right there.
The most common follow-up was why 3-year-olds refuse to clean up their toys, even when you remind them every day. The answer is simple: most parents ask kids to “clean up all your toys” which is way too big a task for a 3-year-old’s brain to process. They freeze up and run away because they don’t know where to start. Instead, give one tiny, specific step at a time: “Can you put all the blue blocks in the bin first?” Or let them choose between two small jobs: “Do you want to pick up the crayons or the puzzle pieces?” This small shift cuts down on tantrums and cuts clean up time in half, in my experience.
Another question on the thread was whether it’s normal for a 4-year-old to not know all their letters after a year of preschool. It’s completely normal. Memorizing letters at 4 doesn’t predict how well a kid will read later on. I’ve had kids who couldn’t name a single letter at 4 that were reading chapter books by first grade, and kids who knew every letter at 3 that still struggle with reading in second grade. The most useful thing you can do is read aloud to them for 10 minutes a day, that’s it. No flashcards required.
One more question that went unanswered: should I worry if my toddler always prefers to play alone at playgroup? I told them no, you don’t have to worry. Forcing a shy or independent kid to join group play just makes them dislike it more. Let them play how they want, stay close if they need you, and they’ll join other kids when they’re ready.
I got a text from Mia last weekend. She sent a photo of Leo standing next to his toy bin, holding his new foam block that he’d decorated with dinosaur stickers. She said the hitting still happens sometimes – when he skips a nap, or when he’s hungry after a long day out. The trick works about six times out of ten, which is way better than zero times it worked before.
I still check that parent group once a week now, replying to the posts that beg for ECE input that never comes. There’s no magic fix for toddler behavior, no step that works every single time. Most days are still messy, most small wins are partial. But that’s the thing no one tells new parents: you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to give them the words for the big feelings they can’t name yet, and meet them where they are.
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