What To Do When Your Kid Says There Are Annoying People At School: Teacher Tips
Last Tuesday, I was stacking crumpled math worksheets by my classroom door, waiting for the last of the 4th graders to head out for dismissal, when I noticed Mia still hanging by my desk, twisting the rainbow hair tie on her wrist over and over. I asked if she needed a new copy of the homework sheet, and she shrugged and said, “All the people in this school are annoying.”
Mia’s not the kid who usually complains. She brings extra stickers for the class reward jar, draws unicorns on the margin of every worksheet, and usually runs out the door chattering about recess with her friends. This week had been different, though. I’d seen her slump in her seat during silent reading, press her palm against her ear when Lily, the girl who sits next to her, pulled out her mint gum. So I pulled out the extra chair by my desk and asked her to tell me who, exactly, was getting on her nerves.
She listed them off, one by one: Lily pops her gum so loud it’s like fireworks next to her head. Javi taps his pencil against his desk the whole time we do independent math, and it never stops. The 5th grader who takes the shortcut past her locker every morning bumps the door so hard all her books fall out, and he never even stops to say sorry. Even the librarian, Mia said, shushes so loud it makes your ears ring, even if you’re just whispering to ask where the graphic novels are.
That night I called Mia’s mom, like I do when a kid’s been off for a few days. She sighed and said, “She’s been saying this every night at dinner. I was starting to wonder if she’s being bullied, or if no one wants to be her friend. Should I come in for a conference? Should I email the other parents?” That’s the reaction I get 9 times out of 10 when a kid brings home this complaint. We jump straight to the worst case scenario, or we jump straight to fixing it. The other common reaction? “It’s not that big of a deal, just ignore them. School’s not supposed to be fun all the time.” Neither of those work, I’ve found.
Over the past few years, I’ve noticed this complaint more and more: from my 4th graders, from my own 11 year old at home, from parents reaching out on class social media. After a few years of remote and hybrid learning, a lot of kids got used to controlling their own space. If someone was bugging them on Zoom, they could hit mute. If they got frustrated, they could step away from the screen and get a snack. Now, stuck in a room with 24 other kids for 7 hours a day, all those little quirks and bad habits feel impossible to ignore. It’s not that the kids are ruder now, or that other people are more annoying. It’s that they haven’t had much practice living with the small, daily irritations that come with being around other people.
The first thing I told Mia, and the first thing I told her mom, is to stop reacting to the big line “all people are annoying” and start leaning into the specific annoyances. Instead of saying “that’s not a nice thing to say about your classmates” or “I’ll fix this right now”, you just say, “That does sound really frustrating. That would bug me too.” For Mia, that alone took half the edge off. She wasn’t looking for me to move everyone’s seat, she just wanted someone to agree that popping gum next to someone’s ear is actually annoying.
Then, we sorted out what was actually a problem vs what was just a habit that wasn’t personal. None of the kids Mia named were being mean on purpose, she admitted. Lily didn’t even know she popped her gum that loud. Javi’s got ADHD, and he taps when he’s focusing, he doesn’t do it to bug people. Once Mia saw that it wasn’t personal, it was easier to stop it from feeling like everyone was out to get her.
Then, instead of me coming up with a fix, I asked her what one small thing she could try to make each thing better. For Lily, she decided she’d just ask her to stop popping during silent reading. We role played it once, so she knew what to say. For Javi’s tapping, I gave her a pair of the cheap foam earplugs the office keeps for kids during state tests, and she kept them in her desk. For the 5th grader bumping her locker, she moved her backpack from the hook on the door edge to the hook inside, so nothing falls out even if he bumps it.
None of these fixes were big. None required me to call other parents or rearrange the whole classroom. A month later, Mia still says some people are annoying sometimes. Last week she told me Javi tapped through a whole math test even with her earplugs, and it still bugged her. But she doesn’t say all people are annoying anymore. She laughs about it now, and after school she runs out with Lily to get ice cream from the truck down the street.
I tell all parents this when they ask me about this: the biggest mistake we can make is clearing all the annoying people out of our kid’s path before they get a chance to learn how to handle them. If we always move the seat, or talk to the principal, or tell our kid to just switch friend groups, they never learn that most annoying things aren’t personal, and that small changes they make themselves can make a big difference.
The steps are so simple, you can do them at dinner tonight when your kid complains. Ask them to name the one thing that bugged them most that day, don’t jump to fix it, just agree it’s annoying, then ask what one tiny thing they can try tomorrow. It’s not going to make every annoying person disappear. Some people will still pop gum, tap pencils, and bump lockers forever. But it’s going to give them a skill they’ll use for the rest of their life, long after they leave elementary school. And some days, that’s all you can do.
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