Why Is My Toddler Hitting At Preschool? An ECE Practitioner Answers Common Parent Questions
The dryer buzzed just as I pulled up the DM request on my phone, and a half-folded fitted sheet slipped out of my hands onto the floor. My 4-year-old, Jax, was passed out on the couch next to me, sticky from a blue popsicle he’d eaten an hour before, so I paused to read it instead of sorting laundry. The message opened with exactly the line I see all the time from nervous parents: “Hello, ECE practitioners please reply to this! I’m at my wits end. My 3-year-old Leo just started preschool three weeks ago, and he’s already hit three other kids. The director sent home a note saying we need to work on it at home, and I’m terrified they’re going to ask him to leave. Am I raising a violent kid? What am I doing wrong?”
I remembered exactly how that felt. When Jax was 3, he bit a kid at the playground over a shovel, and I cried in the Walmart parking lot for 20 minutes after, convinced I’d messed up his whole social development before he even turned 4. So I wrote Mia back, asked if she wanted to meet at the neighborhood playground Saturday morning, I’d bring Jax and we could talk it through over cheap coffee from the cart by the slide.
She showed up with Leo clinging to her leg, one hand stuffed in the pocket of his sweatshirt holding a frayed T-Rex stuffed animal. It was 60 degrees and sunny, the first nice weekend after a long rainy stretch, so the playground was packed. A group of kids ran past us chasing a feral pigeon that had stolen a half-eaten goldfish cracker, and a bubble machine left by another parent blew a cloud of bubbles that stuck in Mia’s hair. We sat down on a splintered wooden bench, and she started talking, twisting her coffee cup lid the whole time. She said after every incident, she sits Leo down for a 5-minute time-out, takes away his evening screen time, and keeps asking him “Why did you do that? You know better than to hit.” He just stares at his shoes and doesn’t answer. She apologizes to every other parent and the teaching staff every morning, and she’s so embarrassed she almost wants to pull him out and homeschool him just to avoid the notes.
I’ve worked in the toddler room at a local ECE center for three years, so I told her what I tell every parent who asks this question: hitting for a 3-year-old isn’t bad behavior, it’s communication. Most 3-year-olds only have about 300 words in their vocabulary. When they get flooded with big frustration or jealousy or tiredness, their little brains can’t sort through those words to find the right one to say “I was playing with that truck first and I don’t want to wait and it makes my chest feel hot and tight.” So they use their hands. That’s it. It’s not that they’re violent, it’s not that you’re a bad parent. It’s just what they can do right now.
Then I told her the small changes I’ve seen work, both for my own kid and for the kids in my classroom. First, stop asking “Were you good today?” when you pick him up from school. That question means nothing to a 3-year-old, and it puts you both on the defensive before you even start talking. Instead, try asking “Did anything make your body feel mad today?” or “What was your favorite part of playground time?” It opens up conversation instead of shutting it down.
Second, when he does hit, don’t jump straight to time-out or punishment. First, step between the kids and say in a calm, firm voice “I won’t let you hurt anyone.” Then check on the child who got hit first. Once everyone is calm, talk to Leo. Don’t ask him “Why did you do that?” because he doesn’t know the answer, and it just scares him. Just name the feeling for him: “You were so mad when Jake took your truck. Mad is okay, but hitting is not. Next time, you can say ‘that’s my truck’ and come get me if you need help.” That’s the whole conversation. No yelling, no taking away a whole night of screen time, just name the feeling and state the rule.
Third, practice when you’re not upset. When you’re building blocks or eating a snack, do 2 minutes of role play. Pretend to take his favorite dinosaur, and say “See? When I take your toy, what can you say? Can you show me? Say ‘That’s mine, I’m still using it.’” Do that once a day, that’s all. Kids remember what they practice when they’re calm much better than what they get yelled at for when they’re already upset.
I also told her that this is what we do at school too, so we’re all on the same page. We don’t force kids to say sorry right away, because it’s just empty words they repeat to get out of trouble. Instead, we ask if they want to get the hurt kid a cold pack or a sticker to help them feel better. That lets them act on empathy in a way they actually understand, instead of just repeating words that don’t mean anything to them yet.
Two weeks later, Mia texted me a screenshot of the daily update her teacher sent home. It said: “Leo told another kid ‘stop that’s my car’ today instead of hitting! Great progress!” She said she’s stopped holding her breath every time the school calls, and Leo doesn’t hide behind her leg when they walk in the door in the morning. He still pushed a kid last week, when he was overtired after a late birthday party, but that was once, not three times a week.
I get at least three of these messages a month, almost all of them opening with the same line: “Hello, ECE practitioners please reply to this!” Most of the time, the parents asking aren’t just asking about hitting or biting or pushing. They’re asking if their kid is okay, if they’re messing this whole parenting thing up. The thing no one talks about enough is that most of what we call “problem behavior” in toddlers is just normal development. It doesn’t mean anything bad about your kid or you. It just means they need a little help turning big feelings into words, instead of using their hands. Some kids take longer than others, and that’s okay. I still haven’t figured out how to stop my 4-year-old from throwing his socks across the room when he’s mad about getting dressed, so none of us are perfect. It’s just practice, one day at a time.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Why Is My Toddler Hitting At Preschool