What to Do When Your Child Gets Laughed At For No Reason At School
The bike rack at the elementary school smells like crushed maple leaves and rubber eraser dust on October afternoons. I was leaning against my car, twisting the lid off a bottle of iced tea, when I saw my 8-year-old Mia coming toward me. Her backpack has a peeling unicorn sticker on the side that she refuses to replace, and that day she was dragging the whole thing on the ground, one strap slipping off her shoulder. She climbed into the backseat, didn’t reach for the bag of cheddar goldfish I keep in the cup holder for after school, and just stared at her shoes. “Lila and Javi laughed at me for no reason today,” she said.
I pulled out of the parking lot, kept my voice even, asked what happened. She said they were waiting in line for art class, the line stretching all the way down the hall, and she was humming the theme song from that Bluey episode she’s replayed on repeat every night. She didn’t even realize she was doing it out loud, she said, until Lila turned around and just started snorting laughing. Javi joined in right away. When Mia asked what was so funny, they just laughed harder and said “nothing” before turning back around. Her teacher was over by the sink helping another kid unclog a glue bottle, so nobody stopped it.
By the time we got home, her chin was trembling. She dropped her backpack by the door and went straight up to her room to pet her hamster, which is what she does when she doesn’t want to talk about something. I used to react differently to this kind of thing. Last year, when a group of girls laughed at her gap-toothed smile after she lost her first front tooth, I fired off an email to her teacher within 10 minutes, asked her to address it with the group, even thought about calling one of the girls’ moms. The teacher ended up pulling the group aside in front of the whole class, and after that Mia told me all the girls started avoiding her at recess, because they thought she was a snitch. That mistake taught me more than any parenting book ever could: when your kid says they got laughed at for no reason, your first move almost never needs to be rushing to fix it.
Later that night, we pulled out the pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough I keep in the fridge for bad days, and Mia started opening up more while we pressed scoops onto the baking sheet. She kept saying she just didn’t get it—she didn’t do anything wrong, so why would they laugh at her? That’s when it hit me that when kids say “for no reason,” they almost never mean it was totally random. They mean it doesn’t make any sense to them. Most of the time, that laughter isn’t actually about your kid at all. At that age, third grade, kids are just starting to care this much about fitting in, about being cool. They’re still learning that their actions hurt other people. Javi had gotten sent to the principal’s office that morning for running in the hall, I remembered Mia mentioning that a few days before. Lila had messed up her animal diorama the week before and was embarrassed about it. Chances are, they were already jittery and looking for a way to distract from their own awkwardness, and Mia humming off-key was just the easiest target. It wasn’t about her. It never was, most of the time.
I didn’t say “it’s not a big deal” like I used to, and I didn’t say “those kids are mean, don’t play with them.” I just wiped flour off my hands and said, “That feels so rotten, doesn’t it? You weren’t bothering anyone, you were just having a little fun, and they made you feel silly for no reason. I’d be hurt too.” Then I asked her the one question I always ask now instead of jumping in: “Do you want me to talk to your teacher about it, or do you just want me to be upset about it with you?” She thought about that for a minute, then said she didn’t want me to talk to anyone. It already felt awkward enough without making a big deal out of it. She just wanted me to know it happened.
That’s the first concrete thing any parent can do: ask what they need before you decide what to do. That one question takes 10 seconds, and it keeps you from making the mistake I made last year, turning a tiny awkward moment into a big thing that makes your kid feel worse. The second thing is don’t dismiss their hurt just because the reason seems small or like it’s not a big deal to you. I remember when I was 10, I got laughed at for my polka dot rain boots on the playground, and my mom told me “they’re just boots, why do you care?” I didn’t tell her any small hurts after that for almost a year, because I knew she’d think they were stupid. Even if you think it’s nothing, saying something as simple as “that would hurt my feelings too” lets them know it’s okay to feel that way.
If they do want you to step in, the trick is to do it quietly. Ask the teacher to pull the other kids aside one at a time, not in front of the whole class, and just ask what happened. Don’t demand apologies or punishments, just ask the teacher to let them know their laughter hurt someone. Most kids don’t even realize they crossed a line until someone tells them privately.
Three days later, Mia came bouncing in from school, dropped her backpack, and told me Lila asked her to join her four square team at recess. Javi even gave her half of his sour gummy worms after she helped him open his juice box. There was no big apology, no dramatic moment where everyone talked about their feelings. It just blew over, like most of these moments do. Mia told me last night that she still doesn’t hum when she’s waiting in line for art anymore. That doesn’t bother me as much as it would have a year ago. It’s a small scar, one of the first of a lot that she’s going to get growing up. Not every hurt needs to be completely erased.
I still check in with her every week, ask if anyone’s been weird at school. Most of the time she says no, she’s too busy talking about her hamster or her latest glitter art project. This wasn’t the big bullying crisis we all worry about as parents. It was just one of those small, sharp, confusing moments that every kid goes through. I used to think my job was to make sure nothing bad ever happened to her. Now I know my job is just to help her learn how to handle the bad things when they do pop up, out of nowhere, for no reason that makes any sense to her.
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