What I’ve Been Doing With My 7-Year-Old Niece That Seems To Make Her Braver, Somehow
Three months ago, my niece came to stay for the weekend, and we popped down to the coffee shop on the corner for blueberry muffins. The barista leaned over the counter, all smiley, and asked what kind of muffin she wanted. And she just vanished behind my leg, thumb jammed in her mouth, wouldn’t even peek out. Her mom texted me a week before that she’d gotten so quiet at school lately – wouldn’t read out loud even when she definitely knew the answer, wouldn’t join the other kids jumping rope at recess, just sat on the bench and watched. I love hanging out with her, but I wanted to do more than just rewatch Frozen for the twelfth time (don’t get me wrong, Frozen slaps, but I felt like I should try something that might help, y’know?) So I messed around with a bunch of random stuff, some worked, some crashed and burned, none of it was fancy.
First thing we tried was that turn-based no bad ideas drawing game I saw a mom ramble about on Instagram once, didn’t think much of it, but it rained that first Saturday so we gave it a go. The only rule is you take turns adding one thing to the same drawing, and you can’t say whatever the other person added is wrong or silly. I drew a little cottage with a chimney first, she added a giant purple zombie unicorn crashing through the front yard. I almost blurted out “isn’t that a little scary for a drawing?” but caught myself at the last second, so I just added a triple-scoop ice cream cone in his hoof and said he probably gets hungry chasing butterflies. She laughed so hard she snort-laughed, which she only does when she’s really, truly relaxed, not holding back. I messed it up once, though – got a stressful work text mid-draw, sighed too loud when she covered the whole sky with random blue squiggles. She immediately folded the paper in half and shoved it under the couch, thumb right back in her mouth. I had to sit on the floor and fish it out, apologize for being grumpy, tell her squiggly clouds are way more interesting than boring round ones. I think that mattered more than the whole game, honestly. She got to see that even if you mess up, or make someone else grumpy, you can fix it, and it doesn’t break anything.
After that we started doing the fake cookie stand on my porch after we bake. I burn half the chocolate chips every single time, but she doesn’t care. We drag out her tiny plastic kid table, she draws a lopsided sign that says COOKIES $1, and we pretend to sell them. I go first as the customer, I ask for really silly stuff – like a cookie with extra chocolate chips that doesn’t have any chocolate chips, and she has to figure out how to answer me. Then I swap, I’m the shy customer, I stutter and hide behind my hand and can’t get my order out, and she has to coax it out of me. I thought this was just dumb fun, until a jogger actually stopped last month, held up a five dollar bill, and said he’d take two. I froze, I was already leaning down to pick her up and hide her behind me, but she walked right up, took the bill, gave him two warm (slightly burnt) cookies, even said “thank you” loud enough for him to hear. He gave her the extra change as a tip, and after he left she jumped up and down for five minutes straight. I didn’t even have to tell her she did good, she already knew.
I did plan one “official” confidence activity that was a total flop, for what it’s worth. I signed us up for a kids’ hip hop class at the rec center, thought dancing with a bunch of other kids her age would pull her out of her shell. She cried the whole 45 minutes, held onto my leg so tight her knuckles turned white. I felt so stupid, like I pushed her way too fast just because I wanted her to be “confident.” We left early, got mint chocolate chip ice cream at the gas station down the road, and on the walk back we passed that big old oak tree in the park that all the neighborhood kids climb. She pulled her hand out of mine, walked right up to it, and just started scrambling up. I wanted to yell “be careful you’ll fall!” but I bit my tongue so hard I almost tasted blood, just stood at the bottom. She got all the way up to the first big branch, sat down, and yelled “AUNTIE LOOK! I CAN SEE YOUR ROOF FROM HERE!” Her voice was so proud I almost cried. Now that’s the first thing she asks to do when she walks in my door. Climb the tree. I didn’t plan that. That’s the thing, right? The stuff that’s supposed to work never does, and the random unplanned stuff sticks.
We also thrift for clothes for Mr. Fluffington, her one-eyed teddy bear that lost his eye to my golden retriever last year. We go to the Goodwill by my house, and she gets full control of the whole trip, gets to pick any tiny clothes she wants for him. Last time she picked out a neon pink baby prom dress and a tiny leather biker jacket. My brother saw the picture and laughed and said “that’s a lot for a teddy bear,” but I just told her Mr. Fluffington looks incredibly cool, and she needs to show him off to the cashier. She walked up all by herself to pay, didn’t hesitate once.
Last weekend we went to the zoo, and the ticket lady leaned over and asked her what her favorite animal was. I held my breath, because three months ago she would’ve vanished behind my hip. She just looked right at her and said “Giraffes. Their tongues are purple.” That’s it. It’s not like she’s a totally different kid now. She still hides behind me when we go to a new restaurant, she still sucks her thumb when she’s nervous, she still won’t raise her hand in class most days. I don’t have some big secret formula, or a list of 10 foolproof activities. We just mess around, and some things work and some don’t. I don’t think confidence is some big thing you build in a week, anyway. It’s just a bunch of small moments where you get to be in charge, no one tells you your drawing is silly or your teddy’s outfit is weird, and you get to do the scary thing on your own time. That’s all we’re doing, I guess. It’s working, slowly. I’ll take it.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » What I’ve Been Doing With My 7-Year-Old Niece That Seems To Make Her Braver, Somehow