The Vulnerable Question Behind “My Son Wrote This, Do You Agree With Him?”
It’s a moment etched into the fabric of parenting: you hold a piece of paper, maybe slightly crumpled, filled with your child’s earnest thoughts, shaky handwriting, or perhaps surprisingly sophisticated arguments. You feel a surge of pride, maybe a flicker of surprise, and then… a hesitation. You turn to someone nearby – a partner, a friend, a grandparent – and pose the question: “My son wrote this. Do you agree with him?”
That simple question carries far more weight than it seems. It’s not just about the content on the page. It’s a complex blend of parental pride, vulnerability, uncertainty, and a deep-seated desire for validation – both for your child and, perhaps unconsciously, for your own role in nurturing them.
Beyond the Words: What We’re Really Asking
When a parent asks “Do you agree with him?”, the surface level is about the specific idea, argument, or story presented. But dig deeper, and several powerful currents flow beneath:
1. Seeking Validation of Our Child’s Mind: We want reassurance that our child is thinking clearly, intelligently, or creatively. Is this piece of work evidence of a developing intellect we should celebrate? Does it show promise? Are we raising someone who can articulate thoughts effectively? Agreement can feel like a confirmation of their potential.
2. Navigating Our Own Uncertainty: Parenting is often flying blind. We don’t always know how to respond to our child’s unique expressions or complex thoughts. Is his perspective reasonable? Is the argument sound, even if we don’t personally agree? Is this a viewpoint we should gently challenge, or is it brilliant insight? We seek external perspective to calibrate our own internal compass.
3. Protecting Them (and Ourselves) from Judgment: Handing over a child’s work feels like handing over a piece of them. We’re exposing their vulnerability. Asking “do you agree?” can be a preemptive shield. If the reader agrees, the child (and by extension, we) are validated. If they disagree… well, perhaps we can manage that conversation carefully. It softens the potential blow.
4. Assessing Our Own Influence: Children absorb our values, our ways of thinking, our language. Seeing our own phrases or perspectives reflected in their writing can be startling. Asking “do you agree?” might be a subtle way of asking, “Did I guide him well? Is my worldview reflected accurately and thoughtfully?” Agreement can feel like approval of our parenting philosophy.
5. The Simple Need for Shared Wonder: Sometimes, we’re just genuinely amazed or touched by what our child created. Asking “Do you agree?” is less about seeking concurrence and more about inviting someone else into that moment of awe. “Look at this incredible thing my child did! See it too? Feel what I feel?”
Why “Agreement” Might Not Be the Best Goal
While the instinct behind the question is deeply human, focusing on “agreement” as the primary measure of success can inadvertently send unintended messages to the young writer:
Valuing Conformity Over Originality: If the emphasis is always on whether others agree, children might learn that fitting in and aligning with popular opinion is more valued than expressing unique or unconventional thoughts.
Prioritizing “Rightness” Over Exploration: The focus shifts from the process of thinking and expressing – the courage to put ideas out there – to whether the final product is “correct” or aligns with an external standard. This can stifle intellectual risk-taking.
Making Validation Contingent: It subtly teaches that their work’s worth is dependent on external approval, rather than being inherently valuable as an expression of their mind and effort.
Missing the Point of Expression: Not all writing is meant to persuade or state an irrefutable fact. Sometimes it’s creative, descriptive, emotional, or simply an exploration. Asking “do you agree?” about a poem about a dragon or a personal narrative about a lost toy misunderstands the genre’s purpose.
Reframing the Conversation: What to Ask Instead
So, if “Do you agree?” isn’t always the most helpful question, what can we say instead when presented with “My son wrote this…”? The goal is to engage thoughtfully with the child and their work, fostering growth and confidence:
“Tell me more about what inspired this!” Shifts focus to their creative process and thought journey.
“What part of writing this did you enjoy the most?” Highlights the experience and effort, not just the product.
“What are you most proud of in this piece?” Encourages self-reflection and intrinsic validation.
“I’m really impressed you tackled this topic. What was the most challenging part?” Acknowledges effort and problem-solving.
“How do you feel about what you’ve written?” Gives the child ownership and centers their own evaluation.
“That’s an interesting perspective! What led you to see it that way?” Validates their unique viewpoint and encourages deeper explanation without demanding conformity.
“I see you put a lot of thought into this argument/story/idea.” Simply acknowledges the work invested.
For the person being asked: Instead of jumping straight to agreement or disagreement, try responses like:
“Wow, he really explored [specific idea] deeply!” (Specific praise)
“I can see how much effort he put into this.”
“It’s great that he’s expressing his thoughts so clearly.”
“What a creative approach to [topic]!”
“What did he say when you talked to him about it?” (Gently redirects focus back to the child’s own reflection).
The Heart of the Matter: Fostering Courageous Expression
When we hold our child’s writing, whether it’s a scribbled note, a school essay, or a passionate manifesto, we hold a piece of their developing identity. The question “Do you agree with him?” springs from love and concern. But the deeper need – for both parent and child – is often simply to be seen and heard.
Agreement is fleeting and often irrelevant to the core value of self-expression. Our most important role isn’t to ensure the world agrees with our children, but to nurture the courage and skill they need to articulate their thoughts, to reason, to create, and to stand by their convictions – even when others don’t agree. We help them build the internal validation that says, “I wrote this. It represents my thoughts and my effort. That matters.”
So next time you find yourself holding your child’s work, take a breath before seeking external agreement. Look first at the work itself, see the child behind it, and perhaps start the conversation with them. Ask what they think. Celebrate the act of creation itself. The confidence they build from that internal validation will serve them far better in the long run than any chorus of “I agree.” That piece of paper isn’t just words; it’s a stepping stone in their journey to finding their own voice. Our job isn’t to demand the world approve it, but to ensure they feel strong enough to keep using it.
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