When Motherhood Feels Heavy: Navigating the “I Don’t Like Being a Mum” Moment
Let’s be really honest for a second. Scrolling through picture-perfect feeds of blissful mums and their angelic babies, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one whispering (or sometimes screaming internally), “I don’t like being a mum.” The weight of that admission can feel crushing, wrapped in guilt and shame. But here’s the crucial truth you need to hear right now: You are not alone, and these feelings do not make you a bad mother.
Society sells us a powerful myth: that motherhood is an unending cascade of joy, fulfillment, and instinctive love. We’re told it’s the most “natural” thing in the world. So when reality hits – the relentless exhaustion, the loss of self, the frustration, the sheer boredom of repetitive tasks, the moments when your child’s screaming feels like nails on a chalkboard – the disconnect is jarring. That gap between expectation and reality is where the “I don’t like this” feeling takes root. It’s not necessarily about not loving your child; it’s often about not loving the role, the demands, the constriction, or the overwhelming nature of the job itself.
Why Does This Happen? Unpacking the Weight:
1. The Relentless Responsibility: Motherhood is a 24/7, no-vacation, no-sick-day commitment. The constant vigilance, the endless decision-making (“Is this fever serious? Are they eating enough? Should I let them cry?”), and the sheer mental load are exhausting. There’s often no off switch, leading to chronic depletion.
2. Loss of Identity: Pre-motherhood, you were someone with hobbies, a career, social engagements, and autonomy. Suddenly, you might feel reduced to “Mum.” Your needs, desires, and even basic bodily functions (like sleeping or eating uninterrupted) often take a backseat. Grieving that former self is real and valid.
3. The Isolation: Modern parenting can be incredibly isolating. Extended family support isn’t always available, communities can feel fragmented, and the logistics of getting out with a small child can be daunting. Spending hours alone with a demanding, pre-verbal being is mentally taxing.
4. The Myth of Instinct: Not everyone feels an instant, overwhelming flood of love or knows exactly what to do. Bonding can take time. The “instincts” people talk about often feel more like frantic googling at 3 AM. Feeling incompetent or disconnected in the early days is common and doesn’t mean you won’t develop a deep bond.
5. Unmet Needs: Your basic human needs – sleep, nutrition, quiet, adult conversation, intellectual stimulation, time for self-care – are frequently neglected. It’s impossible to pour from an empty cup, yet mothers are constantly expected to do just that.
6. The Invisible Labour: So much of what mothers do is unseen and undervalued – the planning, the remembering, the emotional regulation, the keeping-the-house-from-collapsing work. This lack of recognition can breed resentment.
Moving Through the “I Don’t Like This” Phase:
Acknowledging these feelings is the essential first step. Suppressing them only makes them stronger and breeds more guilt. Here’s how to navigate forward:
1. Name It and Normalize It: Say it out loud to yourself, “Right now, I’m really struggling. I don’t like how this feels.” Find safe spaces – trusted friends, supportive online communities (search for “motherhood regret” or “not enjoying motherhood” – they exist!), or a therapist – where you can express this without judgment. Knowing you’re not broken is powerful.
2. Separate the Role from the Child: Remind yourself: “I love my child deeply, but the relentless demands of motherhood are incredibly hard, and it’s okay to dislike that part.” This distinction helps alleviate some guilt.
3. Identify Specific Pain Points: What are the exact things making you miserable? Is it the lack of sleep? The constant mess? Feeling touched-out? The loneliness? Identifying the specific triggers helps you find targeted solutions, whether it’s sleep training, hiring cleaning help, scheduling alone time, or joining a parent group.
4. Prioritise Your Needs (Yes, Really): This isn’t selfish; it’s survival. You must find ways to refill your cup. Start small:
Sleep: Can your partner take one night feeding? Can you nap when the baby naps (even just closing your eyes helps)?
Nutrition: Stock easy, healthy snacks. Hydrate constantly.
Alone Time: Even 15 minutes locked in the bathroom with headphones counts. Schedule longer breaks if possible.
Connection: Talk to another adult every day, even by text. See a friend without the kids. Talk to your partner about you, not just the kids.
Something Just for You: Read a page of a book, listen to a podcast, take a walk, do a 5-minute workout. Reconnect with a tiny fragment of who you were.
5. Seek Support, Build Community:
Ask for Help: Delegate tasks. Ask your partner, family, or friends for specific help (“Can you hold the baby for 30 minutes?” “Can you pick up groceries?”).
Find Your Village: Look for local parent groups, baby classes, or online communities where you can share honestly. Finding others who get it is invaluable.
Professional Help: If these feelings are constant, overwhelming, or accompanied by deep sadness, anxiety, anger, or thoughts of harming yourself or your child, seek professional help immediately. This could be postpartum depression or anxiety, which is treatable. Talk to your GP, health visitor, or a mental health professional.
6. Challenge the “Perfect Mum” Ideal: Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel inadequate. Remind yourself daily that the curated highlight reels are not reality. Good enough is truly good enough. Your child needs a present, reasonably healthy mother, not a perfect one.
7. Look for the Small Joys (They’re There): Actively notice the tiny moments – the way your baby grips your finger, a genuine giggle, the peaceful weight of them sleeping on you. These micro-moments of connection are the fuel. Don’t force yourself to feel constant joy; just notice when a sliver of it appears.
8. Know It Can Change: Motherhood is not static. The suffocating intensity of the newborn stage eases. Toddlers become more interactive. Preschoolers become more independent. The aspects you hate now may shift. It won’t always feel this relentlessly hard.
Feeling “I don’t like being a mum” isn’t a failure; it’s a brutally honest reflection of how challenging this role can be. It speaks to unmet needs, societal pressure, and the sheer enormity of the task. By acknowledging these feelings without shame, prioritising your own well-being, seeking support, and understanding that motherhood is a complex journey with seasons of deep struggle, you can move through this heavy phase. You are still you, navigating an extraordinary and demanding life chapter. It’s okay to not like the map sometimes, even while fiercely loving the destination – your child. Be gentle with yourself. Your journey is uniquely yours, and finding your way through the hard parts is a testament to your strength, not your inadequacy.
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