The Emotional Rollercoaster: What Parents Really Try (and How It Actually Goes)
Seeing your child grapple with big feelings – whether it’s a toddler’s epic supermarket meltdown over the “wrong” color cup, a school-ager’s frustration boiling over during homework, or a pre-teen’s sudden withdrawal after a social hiccup – can leave even the most seasoned parent feeling a bit lost. We know helping them navigate these emotional storms is crucial, but the “how” often feels like a moving target. So, what do parents actually try when faced with these moments, and what’s the messy, real-world reality of how it works?
The Go-To Toolkit: Common Strategies in the Parenting Trenches
Most of us start somewhere familiar. We reach into the parenting toolbox, often influenced by books, articles, our own upbringing (what we want to repeat or avoid!), or advice from friends and pediatricians. Here’s a peek at what’s inside that toolbox and how it typically plays out:
1. “Use Your Words”: Encouraging Emotional Vocabulary
The Idea: Help children identify and name their feelings. Instead of just screaming, they learn to say “I’m angry!” or “I feel sad.”
The Reality: This is foundational, and eventually powerful. With very young children, it starts simply: “You look frustrated,” or “It seems like you’re feeling mad.” For older kids, it evolves into discussing nuances like disappointment, anxiety, or embarrassment.
How Well Did It Work? Often, it takes time and repetition. In the white-hot moment of a tantrum, asking a toddler why they are screaming usually backfires spectacularly (“I… WANT… THE… BLUE CUP!!!!”). However, practicing naming feelings during calm moments (reading books about emotions, talking about characters’ feelings, reflecting on their own day) does build crucial skills. Success often looks like a child, after calming down, being able to articulate “I was mad because…” It’s a long-term investment that pays off, but expecting instant fluency mid-meltdown is unrealistic.
2. Deep Breaths & Calming Techniques:
The Idea: Teach children physical strategies to self-regulate – deep “belly” breathing, counting to ten, squeezing a stress ball, using a calming glitter jar.
The Reality: Introducing these techniques when the child is already calm is key. Trying to get a raging 4-year-old to “just breathe!” often feels futile and can even escalate things (“NOOOOO! I WON’T BREATHE!”).
How Well Did It Work? Highly variable, but potentially very effective with practice and maturity. Some kids latch onto a specific technique (like blowing out pretend birthday candles for breathing). Others resist entirely in the moment. The real win comes when a child, maybe months later, starts initiating a calming technique themselves when they feel upset brewing. That moment feels like a parenting triumph! But expecting these tools to magically stop an immediate explosion is usually setting yourself up for disappointment.
3. Time-Ins vs. Time-Outs:
The Idea: Moving away from punitive isolation (“Go to your room!”) towards connection and co-regulation. “Time-Ins” involve staying physically close (sometimes just sitting silently nearby) or offering comfort while the child rides out the wave of emotion, emphasizing safety and connection.
The Reality: This shift has gained significant traction. Many parents try sitting quietly on the floor near a tantruming child, offering a hug when they’re ready, or simply stating, “I’m right here when you need me.”
How Well Did It Work? This often feels more aligned with nurturing emotional health than isolation. However, it’s hard. Staying calm and present while your child screams or lashes out requires immense parental self-regulation. It doesn’t always “work” in the sense of stopping the behavior instantly – sometimes the emotional storm just needs to pass. But over time, it builds trust and security, showing the child their feelings are acceptable even if their actions sometimes need boundaries. Success looks like a child learning they won’t be abandoned in distress, even if the meltdown still happens.
4. Problem-Solving Together:
The Idea: Once the peak emotion subsides, engaging the child in brainstorming solutions to the problem that triggered the upset.
The Reality: “Okay, you were really upset because your tower fell. What could we do next time it happens?” This works best when the child is truly calm and receptive.
How Well Did It Work? Great in theory, timing is everything. For younger kids, simple choices work better (“Do you want help rebuilding or try yourself?”). For older children, this fosters valuable critical thinking and agency. However, trying to problem-solve while the child is still emotionally flooded is usually pointless. The key is recognizing that calm must come first. When timed right, it empowers kids and teaches resilience.
5. Validating Feelings (Even the Uncomfortable Ones):
The Idea: Acknowledging the child’s emotion without judgment, even if the reason seems trivial or the behavior is inappropriate. “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit.”
The Reality: This is perhaps the most powerful tool, but also one of the trickiest to implement consistently. It means saying things like, “I see you’re really disappointed we can’t go to the park,” even when their reaction feels disproportionate.
How Well Did It Work? Validation is foundational for emotional health. When kids feel heard and understood (“Oh wow, that does sound frustrating!”), they are more likely to calm down faster and feel safe. It doesn’t mean agreeing with them or condoning bad behavior; it simply acknowledges their internal experience. This strategy builds deep connection and trust over time, though in the moment, it might not magically stop tears or yelling – it simply makes the storm less scary for everyone involved.
The Messy Truth: It’s Rarely Perfect (and That’s Okay)
Looking back at what we’ve tried, a few universal truths emerge:
Context is King: What works beautifully one day might bomb spectacularly the next. Fatigue, hunger, overstimulation, developmental stage, and the specific trigger all play huge roles.
Parental Calm is the Secret Sauce (But Hard!): Our own emotional state dramatically impacts the interaction. Trying to coach a child through big feelings while we ourselves are frustrated or dysregulated is incredibly difficult. Sometimes, the best first step is managing our own breathing.
Consistency Matters (Imperfectly): Repeatedly using strategies like naming feelings, validating, and offering calming tools does build neural pathways over time. But consistency doesn’t mean perfection. It means returning to these approaches most of the time, even after a rough day where you yelled.
“Working” Isn’t Always Immediate Behavioral Change: Success isn’t always the tantrum stopping instantly. Sometimes, success is the child feeling safe enough to express their emotion. Sometimes it’s them calming down slightly faster than last time. Sometimes it’s them, weeks later, using a tool you practiced. Measuring success requires a long lens.
Experimentation is Necessary: There’s no one-size-fits-all. Some kids respond wonderfully to deep pressure hugs, others recoil. Some love a designated “calm corner,” others feel isolated in one. Be willing to try different approaches and observe what your child responds to.
The Journey, Not the Instant Fix
Helping our children navigate their complex emotional worlds is perhaps one of parenting’s most profound and challenging responsibilities. The strategies we try – naming feelings, breathing, validating, co-regulating, problem-solving – are tools, not magic wands. Their effectiveness unfolds slowly, woven into the fabric of daily interactions, countless meltdowns, and quiet moments of connection.
We won’t always get it right. We’ll sometimes default to unhelpful reactions. We’ll feel frustrated and exhausted. But when we see our child, in a moment of frustration, take a deep breath without being prompted, or when they tell us “I felt really scared at school today,” we glimpse the payoff. It’s not about eradicating big feelings, but about equipping our children with the understanding, the vocabulary, and the coping skills to navigate them, building resilience one messy, emotional moment at a time. The journey itself, with all its stumbles and small victories, is where the real learning – for them and for us – happens.
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