The Problem with “Just Get an Evaluation”: Why It’s Often the Wrong First Word for Parents
The scene is familiar: a parent sits across from a teacher, therapist, or pediatrician. There’s concern etched on the professional’s face. They’ve noticed something – maybe a child struggling significantly with reading, showing intense emotional outbursts, having trouble making friends, or lagging behind in milestones. The conversation turns serious. The parent feels a knot in their stomach, a mix of worry, confusion, and maybe a flicker of defensiveness. And then, often well-meaning but profoundly misplaced, comes the advice: “You really should just get a full evaluation.”
It sounds straightforward. Logical, even. After all, an evaluation is the gateway to understanding, services, support – potentially life-changing help for a child. Why wouldn’t you start there?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Starting with “just get a full evaluation” is frequently the worst first step you can suggest to parents. It risks shutting down communication, increasing anxiety, and even delaying the very support the child needs. Let’s unpack why this common refrain often backfires, and what we should be doing instead.
Why “Just Get an Evaluation” Falls Short as the Opening Line:
1. It’s Emotionally Overwhelming & Alienating:
Assumes Readiness: This directive assumes the parent is emotionally prepared to leap into the complex, often scary world of formal assessments. They might be grappling with denial, grief, fear of labels, or sheer overwhelm. Telling them to “just get an eval” ignores this emotional landscape, making them feel unheard and dismissed.
Feels Like a Verdict: Dropping the “evaluation bomb” upfront can feel like a professional pronouncement: “Something is fundamentally wrong with your child, go get it confirmed.” It bypasses partnership and lands like a judgment, triggering defensiveness or shutting the parent down completely.
Undermines Trust: It risks positioning the professional as an outsider pointing fingers, rather than a collaborative partner. Trust, essential for navigating this journey, is eroded before it’s even built.
2. It’s Vague and Unactionable:
What is a “Full Evaluation”? For many parents, especially those new to navigating special needs or developmental concerns, this term is a black box. Does it mean a doctor? A psychologist? The school? Private clinics? What tests? What does it cost? How long does it take? “Just get one” offers zero practical guidance, leaving parents adrift in a sea of unknowns.
Ignores the “Why Now?”: It skips the crucial step of collaboratively exploring the specific concerns driving the suggestion. Why does this professional think an evaluation is needed? What are they observing that’s causing worry? Without this context, the recommendation feels arbitrary and disconnected from the parent’s own observations.
3. It Overlooks Critical Prerequisites:
Building a Shared Understanding: Jumping straight to evaluation skips the essential foundation: ensuring the parent and professional are actually seeing and understanding the same concerns. What specific behaviors or difficulties are we talking about? How often? In what contexts? Have interventions been tried? This shared understanding is vital before formal assessment.
Exploring Immediate Supports: Formal evaluations take time. What can be done right now to support the child while the bigger picture is explored? Are there classroom strategies, behavior plans, or preliminary resources that can offer immediate relief? “Just get an eval” implies nothing can happen until that happens, which is rarely true.
Assessing Parental Concerns & Goals: What is the parent actually worried about? What are their hopes for their child? What kind of information would they find most helpful? Starting with evaluation silences these critical questions.
What to Do Instead: Building the Bridge Before the Assessment
So, if “just get an evaluation” is the wrong first step, what should professionals and supportive friends/family do? The answer lies in shifting from a directive to a collaborative conversation:
1. Start with Observation & Collaboration:
“I’ve noticed…”: Begin by sharing specific, objective observations about the child’s behavior, strengths, and areas of difficulty. “I’ve noticed Sam gets incredibly frustrated during reading time and often shuts down,” or “I see Maya having a really hard time joining group play on the playground.”
“What are you seeing at home?”: Actively invite the parent’s perspective. Do they see similar things? Different things? What are their concerns? Validate their experiences and observations.
Focus on Impact: Frame the conversation around how the observed challenges impact the child’s learning, social interaction, or emotional well-being. “I’m concerned this frustration is making Sam dislike reading,” or “Maya seems sad when she can’t connect with peers.”
2. Explore Together & Offer Immediate Next Steps:
“What have we tried? What could we try?”: Discuss what strategies have already been used (in school, at home) and their effectiveness. Brainstorm new interventions that could be implemented immediately. “Could we try breaking reading into smaller chunks for Sam?” or “Maybe we could practice some playground joining strategies with Maya?”
Provide Concrete Resources: Instead of the vague “get an eval,” offer specific, actionable information: “Here’s a simple checklist about developmental milestones,” or “This website explains different learning differences,” or “The pediatrician could be a good first point of contact to discuss these observations.”
Document & Monitor: Agree to observe the child more closely in specific areas, try the new strategies, and check back in after a set period. This builds evidence and shows proactive support.
3. Frame Evaluation as a Potential Tool, Not the First Step:
Explain the ‘Why’ and ‘What’: Only after building rapport and a shared understanding should the possibility of evaluation be introduced. Explain why it might be helpful: “If these strategies aren’t giving us enough insight or helping Sam make progress, an evaluation could help us understand why he’s struggling so we can target support better.”
Demystify the Process: Briefly explain what an evaluation typically involves, who might do it (school team vs. private providers), and the types of questions it might answer. Offer to help find resources or navigate options when/if the time comes.
Emphasize Partnership: Reiterate that this is a shared journey. “We’re here to figure this out together, step by step. The evaluation is just one potential tool to help us get more information.”
The Goal: Informed Partnership, Not Panicked Action
Telling parents to “just get a full evaluation” often springs from a place of wanting to help quickly. But speed shouldn’t trump thoughtful process. By starting with observation, collaboration, and immediate support strategies, we:
Respect the Parent’s Emotional Journey: We acknowledge their fears and meet them where they are.
Build Essential Trust: We position ourselves as partners, not directors.
Gather Crucial Information: We create a clearer picture before formal assessment.
Provide Meaningful Help Immediately: We don’t leave the child or family waiting in limbo.
Ensure Evaluation Readiness: When an evaluation is pursued, the parent is more informed, less terrified, and understands its purpose within a larger context of support.
The path to understanding a child’s needs is rarely a straight line to a testing center. It’s a winding road built on trust, shared observations, small steps, and open communication. Let’s stop telling parents to “just get an evaluation” as the first step. Instead, let’s start by saying, “Let’s talk about what we’re seeing, and figure out the next right step together.” That’s how we truly get families the support they need.
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