When Dad Says “She’ll Grow Out of It”: Understanding Developmental Worries & Denial
It’s a common scene in households everywhere. Mom watches her daughter struggle intensely with transitions, melt down over seemingly minor frustrations, or cling fiercely in social situations. A knot of worry tightens in her stomach. She voices her concern: “Honey, I’m really starting to think we should look into this…” And Dad, perhaps ruffling the child’s hair or glancing up from his phone, replies, “Relax. She’s just being a kid. She’ll grow out of it.”
Cue the internal conflict. Mom feels dismissed. Dad feels like he’s being the voice of reason. The unspoken question hangs heavy in the air: Will she really grow out of it, or is Dad just in denial?
This dynamic is incredibly common and incredibly challenging. It’s rarely about one parent being “right” and the other “wrong,” but rather about differing perspectives, anxieties, and ways of coping. Let’s unpack this delicate situation.
Why the “She’ll Grow Out of It” Mentality Emerges
Dad’s perspective often isn’t pure denial; it frequently stems from a different set of experiences and coping mechanisms:
1. Developmental Optimism (The Glass Half Full): Many parents, often fathers influenced by societal expectations of being the “rock,” genuinely believe children develop at their own pace. They recall their own childhood quirks or see siblings/cousins who seemed “difficult” but turned out fine. Their optimism is rooted in faith in natural development.
2. Fear of the Label: For some parents, acknowledging a potential issue feels like inviting a scary label or diagnosis. “If we don’t name it, maybe it isn’t real, or it will disappear” can be a powerful, albeit subconscious, coping strategy. They fear the stigma or the perceived limitations a label might bring.
3. Minimizing Worry (Their Own and Their Partner’s): Saying “She’ll grow out of it” can be an attempt to soothe their partner’s anxiety and their own. It’s a way of maintaining normalcy and avoiding the emotional weight of potential challenges. “If I act like it’s not a big deal, maybe it won’t be a big deal.”
4. Different Thresholds for Concern: Parents simply have different sensitivities. What feels like a glaring red flag to one parent might register as a normal developmental blip or personality trait to the other. Dad might genuinely perceive the behavior as less severe or less persistent than Mom does.
5. Protective Instinct: Denial can sometimes be a form of protection – protecting the child from perceived over-scrutiny, protecting the family unit from perceived disruption, or protecting themselves from feelings of inadequacy or guilt.
Why Mom (or the Concerned Parent) Might Be Spot On
The concerned parent isn’t necessarily catastrophizing. Their perspective often comes from:
1. Pattern Recognition & Intuition: Parents, often the primary caregivers who spend more time in the trenches of daily routines, are incredibly attuned to their child’s baseline. They notice subtle shifts, persistent patterns, and the intensity or frequency of behaviors that seem outside the typical range. That gut feeling often has a basis in observation.
2. Understanding Developmental Milestones: While every child is unique, broad developmental milestones exist. A parent deeply familiar with these (perhaps through research, talking to other parents, or professional exposure) might recognize when a behavior isn’t just a “phase” but a significant deviation warranting attention.
3. The Impact Factor: The concerned parent often sees the real-world impact more acutely – the social struggles, the academic difficulties starting to emerge, the sheer exhaustion of managing daily meltdowns. They witness the toll it takes on the child and the family.
4. Advocacy Drive: Their worry fuels a powerful drive to advocate for their child. They fear that waiting will mean missing crucial early intervention windows that could make a significant difference in the child’s long-term well-being and success.
So, Who’s Right? Navigating the Gray Area
The truth usually lies somewhere in the nuanced middle. Both perspectives often contain elements of validity.
Many things kids do grow out of: Picky eating phases, intense shyness around strangers at age 3, occasional tantrums, temporary sleep regressions – these are often just developmental bumps in the road. Dad’s instinct that “this too shall pass” is frequently correct for minor, transient issues.
But not everything resolves on its own: Persistent communication delays, extreme sensory sensitivities that prevent participation in daily life, aggressive outbursts well beyond typical toddlerhood, significant social isolation, or intense, inflexible anxiety – these patterns are less likely to simply vanish with time. Early intervention for genuine challenges is widely recognized as crucial for the best outcomes.
Moving from Conflict to Collaboration
The goal isn’t to “win” the argument but to become a united team supporting your child. Here’s how:
1. Seek Objective Information (Together):
Track Behaviors: Instead of relying on general impressions, both parents should objectively track the concerning behavior for a week or two. Note: What exactly happened? When? How long? What triggered it? What helped de-escalate? Concrete data is harder to dismiss than feelings.
Research (Reliable Sources): Look up age-appropriate developmental milestones from reputable sources (CDC, AAP, Zero to Three). Understand the difference between a “phase” and a potential red flag.
Talk to Neutral Observers: Consult trusted sources outside the immediate family dynamic – your pediatrician, a seasoned preschool teacher, or a child psychologist. They offer a professional, objective perspective and can often help distinguish typical development from areas needing support. Frame it as “We just want to check in and make sure we’re on track.”
2. Focus on the Child, Not the Argument: Shift the conversation from “You’re in denial!” vs. “You’re overreacting!” to “What’s best for [Child’s Name]?” Ask: “How is this behavior impacting her happiness?” “Is it preventing her from participating in things she enjoys or needs to do?” “How is it affecting her learning or friendships?”
3. Validate Each Other’s Feelings: Acknowledge the emotions behind the positions. “I know you saying she’ll grow out of it comes from a place of loving optimism and wanting to protect us all from worry.” “I understand my constant concern might feel overwhelming; it comes from deep love and a need to make sure she gets any help she might need.” Validation reduces defensiveness.
4. Define “Growing Out of It”: Ask Dad (or the less concerned parent) specifically: “What would ‘growing out of it’ look like to you? What specific changes would you expect to see, and by when?” This moves the discussion from vague hope to concrete expectations. Agree on a timeframe to reassess if no improvement is seen.
5. Consider the Cost of Waiting: Discuss the potential consequences of not seeking an evaluation if there is a genuine issue. Early intervention is almost always more effective and less intensive than later remediation. Conversely, agree that if an evaluation shows typical development, you’ll both work on managing anxieties.
The Bottom Line: Trust, But Verify
It’s wonderful to have faith in your child’s resilience and development. That optimism is a powerful force. However, love also means paying close attention, trusting your instincts (both parents!), and seeking clarity when something feels persistently off.
Is Dad in denial? Maybe, sometimes. But it’s often a complex mix of optimism, different thresholds, and protective instincts. Will she grow out of it? Many things, yes. But some things need support to navigate successfully.
The most powerful stance isn’t insisting you’re right or accusing your partner of being wrong. It’s deciding, together, to seek objective information. A conversation with your pediatrician or a brief screening isn’t a verdict; it’s gathering data to inform your parenting journey. It either provides reassurance that aligns with Dad’s optimism or equips you both with the knowledge and resources to support your child effectively – moving you from a dynamic of denial vs. worry to a united front of understanding and proactive care. That’s the win every child deserves.
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