The Silent Struggle: Why Moms Sometimes Put Each Other Down (And How We Can Stop)
It happens at the playground, in online parenting groups, during school drop-off, maybe even at family gatherings. One mom makes a casual comment about breastfeeding, screen time, or discipline choices. Another mom feels a pang, then responds – perhaps defensively, perhaps with a thinly veiled critique of her own. Suddenly, the air crackles with tension. Judgment hangs heavy. Welcome to the complex, often painful world of moms putting other moms down, sometimes called “mom-shaming” or the “mommy wars.”
Why? Why do we, who understand the incredible demands and relentless challenges of motherhood better than anyone, sometimes turn that understanding into criticism aimed at each other? It’s rarely simple malice. More often, it’s tangled up in a knot of deeper, harder-to-articulate feelings.
The Roots of the Rift: Understanding Why Criticism Flares
1. Insecurity and Self-Doubt: Motherhood can feel like navigating a minefield blindfolded. Are we doing enough? Are we doing it right? When we see another mom making a different choice – especially one we’ve consciously decided against – it can inadvertently trigger our own buried anxieties. Criticizing her choice can sometimes feel like validating our own. “If her way is wrong, then my way must be right,” the insecure voice whispers.
2. The Exhaustion Factor: Let’s be brutally honest: parenting is exhausting, often overwhelming. When we’re running on empty, our emotional reserves are depleted. Patience wears thin. Tolerance evaporates. It’s much harder to respond with grace and understanding when we’re sleep-deprived, touched-out, and mentally drained. A weary mind is more prone to snap judgments and quick critiques.
3. The Tyranny of “Perfect”: Society bombards us with impossible ideals – the effortlessly chic mom with the spotless home, the organic meals, the perfectly behaved children, and the thriving career. Faced with this relentless pressure, seeing another mom seemingly “failing” in an area we struggle with can feel threatening. Criticizing her might be an unconscious attempt to deflect attention from our own perceived shortcomings. Or, if she seems to embody that “perfect” ideal, resentment can build, leading to dismissive comments.
4. Fear Projection: Sometimes, criticism stems from genuine fear. If a mom has had a negative experience (e.g., a scary incident related to sleep training or allergies), she might project that fear onto others who make different choices. Her harsh words might come from a place of wanting to protect others (and perhaps herself, by extension) from what she perceives as danger, even if her delivery is hurtful.
5. The “Right Way” Myth: We all come into motherhood with unique backgrounds, values, resources, and children with distinct personalities. Yet, the pervasive myth persists that there is One Right Way to parent. When we internalize this myth, any deviation becomes a potential target for judgment. Breastfeeding vs. formula, co-sleeping vs. crib, working vs. staying home, gentle parenting vs. more traditional approaches – the battlegrounds are numerous.
6. Lack of Support & Feeling Unseen: When moms feel isolated, unsupported, or like their own immense labor is invisible, resentment can fester. This frustration can sometimes spill over onto other mothers, who become easy targets for pent-up emotions that should really be directed at systemic lack of support (inadequate parental leave, unaffordable childcare, societal undervaluing of caregiving).
The Ripple Effect: Why It Hurts More Than We Think
Mom-on-mom judgment isn’t harmless playground gossip. It has real consequences:
Increased Isolation: Fear of judgment makes moms withdraw. They hesitate to share struggles or ask for help, deepening loneliness and cutting off vital support networks.
Heightened Anxiety & Depression: Constant criticism, whether overt or perceived, chips away at maternal mental health, fueling anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy.
Damaged Relationships: Friendships fracture. Playdate groups splinter. Community cohesion suffers when trust is eroded by negativity.
Distracting from Real Issues: The energy spent on internal mom conflicts detracts from advocating for the real systemic changes families desperately need (better parental leave, accessible mental health care, affordable childcare).
Building Bridges: How We Can Cultivate Mom Solidarity
Breaking the cycle requires conscious effort, empathy, and a commitment to supporting each other. Here’s how we can shift the dynamic:
1. Practice Self-Awareness: Notice your own judgments. When you feel that critical thought bubble up, pause. Ask yourself: “Why does this bother me? Is it truly about her, or is it touching on my own insecurity or fear?” Recognizing the trigger is the first step to choosing a different response.
2. Embrace the “And”: Parenting is rarely black and white. Two things can be true at once. You can believe breastfeeding is wonderful and support a friend who chose formula. You can be a devoted working mom and deeply admire a mom who stays home (and vice versa!). Holding space for nuance dissolves the need to declare one way superior.
3. Assume Positive Intent (Mostly): Give other moms the benefit of the doubt. Unless there’s clear evidence otherwise, assume they are doing their absolute best for their children, just like you are. They have reasons for their choices that you may not fully understand.
4. Offer Support, Not (Unasked) Solutions: Instead of jumping in with “Well, I would never…” or “You should try…”, try: “That sounds really tough,” or “How are you feeling about that?” Unless advice is explicitly requested, your empathy is far more valuable than your opinion.
5. Combat Comparison: Actively reject the urge to compare. Your journey, your child, your circumstances are unique. Social media is a notorious comparison trap – curate your feeds mindfully, unfollow accounts that make you feel bad, and remember that what you see online is a highly filtered highlight reel.
6. Speak Up (Kindly): If you witness overt mom-shaming, consider gently intervening if it feels safe. “Parenting is hard enough without us judging each other,” or “We all have different ways that work for our families,” can subtly shift the tone without escalating conflict.
7. Focus on Common Ground: We all love our children fiercely. We all want them to be happy, healthy, and safe. We all experience exhaustion, worry, and moments of pure joy. Connecting over these shared realities builds bonds far stronger than any differences in parenting styles.
8. Extend Grace (Including to Yourself): Everyone has bad days. You might snap or judge. Another mom might say something thoughtless. Apologize if you mess up. Forgive others when they do. Practice self-compassion relentlessly. This journey is hard enough without being your own harshest critic.
Moving Forward Together
Motherhood is a profound, transformative experience, but it’s not meant to be a competitive sport or a series of judgment calls. The truth is, there are countless ways to be a good mom. When we release the grip on the myth of the One Right Way, we free up immense energy – energy we can redirect towards supporting each other, building communities of genuine care, and advocating for the societal changes that truly lift all mothers and families.
Let’s replace the whispers of judgment with words of encouragement. Let’s transform side-eye into a supportive nod. Let’s build each other up, celebrate each other’s successes (big and small), and hold space for each other’s struggles. Because raising the next generation is a monumental task, and we are always stronger when we stand together, not apart. The next time you feel that flicker of judgment, take a breath, choose empathy, and remember: we’re all just doing our best in this wild, wonderful, and incredibly demanding journey of motherhood.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » The Silent Struggle: Why Moms Sometimes Put Each Other Down (And How We Can Stop)