Why Do Parents Still Keep Important Things From Me at 23?
You’ve just turned 23. You pay bills, manage your schedule, and maybe even live independently. So why do your parents still hesitate to share family finances, health updates, or big decisions with you? It’s a frustrating reality for many young adults. You’re caught between wanting respect for your maturity and feeling shut out of conversations that affect your life. Let’s unpack why this happens—and how to bridge the gap.
1. Old Habits Die Hard
For decades, your parents saw you as their child—someone to protect, guide, and occasionally lecture. Shifting that dynamic isn’t automatic, even when you’re legally an adult. Psychologists call this the “parental script,” a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior. They’re used to making decisions for you, not with you. If they’ve always handled sensitive topics privately, breaking that habit requires conscious effort.
What it feels like:
“I found out Grandma was hospitalized two weeks after it happened. Mom said she didn’t want to ‘distract me’ during finals—but I’m not a teenager anymore.”
2. Fear of Burdening You
Parents often equate silence with protection. If they’re dealing with a job loss, marital tension, or a relative’s illness, they might think: “She’s just starting her career. Why add stress?” This comes from love, not distrust. A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that 68% of parents withheld negative news to “preserve their adult child’s emotional well-being.”
The irony: Shielding you can backfire. When you eventually learn the truth, you might feel excluded or question their honesty.
3. Uncertainty About Your Readiness
Age doesn’t always signal readiness. Maybe your parents worry you’ll react impulsively to tough news or share private details carelessly. Have you demonstrated financial responsibility? Handled crises calmly? If they’ve seen you struggle with stress or overshare on social media, they might doubt your ability to handle sensitive information.
Ask yourself:
– Do I proactively engage in family matters, or wait to be included?
– Have I shown discretion in past conversations?
4. Cultural or Generational Norms
In many cultures, discussing topics like money, illness, or death with younger family members is considered inappropriate. Older generations often view authority as hierarchical: parents lead, children follow—regardless of age. If your family has roots in such traditions, their secrecy might stem from respect for those norms, not a lack of trust in you.
How to Break the Cycle
Start Small—And Listen
Don’t demand to know everything overnight. Begin with low-stakes topics: “How’s the roof repair going? Can I help research contractors?” Show genuine interest without pushing. If they deflect, acknowledge their feelings: “I get that this is stressful. I’d feel the same. But I want to support you.”
Prove Your Maturity Through Actions
Actions build trust faster than words. If you want to be included in financial talks, create a budget and share it with them. If health updates matter, schedule your own doctor’s appointments and discuss them openly. Show consistency in handling responsibilities, and they’ll gradually see you as a capable partner.
Reframe the Conversation
Instead of saying, “Why don’t you tell me things?” try: “I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet about Dad’s job situation. I’d love to help brainstorm solutions if you’re open to it.” This shifts the tone from confrontation to collaboration.
Set Boundaries—For Both Sides
If certain topics are off-limits for them (e.g., a parent’s health scare), clarify what you do want to know: “I understand if you don’t want to share details, but please let me know if there’s a major change.” Similarly, respect their privacy if they’re not ready to discuss something.
When Secrecy Becomes Harmful
While some secrecy is normal, prolonged exclusion can strain relationships. Red flags include:
– Consistently learning major news through third parties
– Being lied to about serious issues (e.g., debts, legal problems)
– Dismissal of your feelings when you express hurt
In such cases, consider involving a neutral third party, like a family therapist, to mediate.
The Bigger Picture
Your parents’ silence isn’t about your worth—it’s about their instincts and insecurities. Change takes time, but consistent communication can reshape old patterns. As you navigate this, remember: wanting inclusion isn’t childish. It’s a sign of your commitment to the family unit. By approaching the issue with empathy and patience, you’ll build a stronger, more transparent relationship—one where you’re seen not just as their child, but as a trusted ally.
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