Do Parents Actually Have Favorites? The Truth Behind Family Dynamics
Jessica, a 32-year-old teacher, always suspected her younger brother was her mom’s favorite. “She laughed louder at his jokes, remembered his schedule better, and even framed more photos of him,” she recalls. For years, Jessica assumed she was overthinking—until a family dinner turned awkward. Her mother casually mentioned how “easy” her brother had been as a child, while Jessica “required extra patience.” The comment stung, but it also sparked a question many quietly ask: Do parents actually have favorites?
The short answer? Yes—but it’s complicated. Research shows parental favoritism is more common than we admit, though it rarely looks like the dramatic portrayals in movies. Let’s unpack why this happens, how it affects families, and what we can do about it.
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Why Favoritism Happens (Even When Parents Deny It)
Parents often insist they love their children equally, and in many ways, they’re telling the truth. Love isn’t a finite resource. However, connection and preference can vary. Studies from the University of Toronto reveal that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers admit to feeling closer to one child, usually due to shared interests or personality alignment.
Take Sarah, a mother of three: “My middle child and I both love hiking and art. With my oldest, it’s all sports talk, which I don’t get. I don’t love him less—we just connect differently.” This “ease of relating” is a key driver. A child who mirrors a parent’s hobbies, values, or temperament naturally sparks more effortless bonding.
Cultural and generational factors also play a role. In some communities, gender-based favoritism persists. A 2020 study in Child Development found that fathers in certain regions were more invested in sons, viewing them as legacy-bearers, while mothers leaned toward daughters for emotional support. Similarly, birth order myths (“the responsible firstborn,” “the rebellious youngest”) can shape unconscious biases.
Then there’s the stress factor. A parent struggling with a child’s behavioral issues or health challenges might unintentionally pour more energy into that relationship, leaving siblings feeling overlooked. As family therapist Dr. Emily Parker notes, “Favoritism isn’t always about liking one child more. Sometimes, it’s about survival mode.”
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The Impact: When “Favorite” Labels Stick
While fleeting preferences are normal, consistent favoritism leaves scars. Adults who felt sidelined as kids often report lower self-esteem and trust issues. Conversely, “favored” children may grapple with guilt or pressure to maintain their status.
Consider Mark, 40, who grew up as his father’s “golden child.” “Every A I brought home was celebrated; my sister’s achievements were met with a nod. Now, she barely speaks to our dad, and I feel responsible.” Sibling rivalries rooted in favoritism can persist for decades, resurfacing during holidays or inheritance disputes.
Even subtle favoritism shapes family roles. The “responsible one” might become a people-pleaser, while the “black sheep” adopts rebellious tendencies to gain attention. Over time, these patterns solidify, making it harder for family members to see each other outside assigned roles.
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Breaking the Cycle: What Parents (and Adult Children) Can Do
Acknowledging favoritism is the first step. Parents often feel shame about their preferences, which keeps the issue in the shadows. Dr. Susan McHale, a professor of human development, advises: “Instead of denying bias, reflect on why it exists. Is it personality clashes? Unmet expectations? Understanding the ‘why’ helps address it.”
For parents:
– Practice intentional inclusivity. Schedule one-on-one time with each child, tailored to their interests. A fishing trip with a sporty kid and a museum visit with a bookworm can balance connections.
– Avoid comparisons. Phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” breed resentment. Praise each child’s unique strengths instead.
– Address past mistakes. If adult children mention hurtful patterns, listen without defensiveness. A simple “I’m sorry that hurt you” can rebuild trust.
For adult children:
– Reframe the narrative. Favoritism often says more about the parent’s limitations than the child’s worth. As Jessica realized, “My mom related to my brother’s calmness because she’s anxious. It wasn’t about me being ‘difficult.’”
– Set boundaries. If comparisons persist during visits, calmly state, “I’d prefer not to discuss my sibling’s career right now.”
– Focus on self-validation. Build confidence through friendships, hobbies, or therapy—spaces where you feel unconditionally valued.
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The Bigger Picture: Favoritism Isn’t Always Forever
Preferences can shift over time. A parent might bond more with a child during their teen years, then grow closer to another in adulthood. Life events—a career triumph, becoming a grandparent, or a health crisis—can also reshape family dynamics.
As siblings age, shared experiences often soften old wounds. Mark and his sister, for instance, reconnected while caring for their aging father. “We finally talked about how favoritism hurt us both,” he says. “It didn’t fix everything, but it helped us understand each other.”
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Final Thoughts
Parental favoritism is a messy, deeply human reality. While it can strain relationships, it also offers opportunities for growth. By confronting biases with honesty and empathy, families can foster deeper connections—not in spite of their flaws, but because of their willingness to address them.
As Jessica puts it: “Knowing my mom didn’t love me less—she just struggled to show it in ways I needed—allowed me to let go of decades of anger.” Sometimes, unraveling the “favorite” myth isn’t about assigning blame, but about making space for imperfect love to evolve.
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