When Reality Hits: Why Kids Don’t Always React the Way We Expect
We’ve all seen the movies: A child encounters a stranger at the park, confidently shouts “You’re not my mom!” and sprints to safety. Or a kid gets separated from their parent in a crowd, locates a security guard, and recites their phone number perfectly. These scenes make us think, My child would do that too. I’ve taught them. But what happens when real life doesn’t follow the script?
Last month, I learned this lesson the hard way. During a family outing, my 8-year-old son wandered a few feet away to look at a toy display. When I turned around, he was gone. My heart raced as I scanned the store, only to find him frozen in place, wide-eyed and silent, near a stranger offering him candy. I intervened immediately, but afterward, I couldn’t shake the question: Why didn’t he yell? Run? Do anything except stand there?
Turns out, my experience isn’t unique. Many parents assume their kids will act decisively in frightening moments because they’ve “talked about it.” But here’s the uncomfortable truth: Knowing what to do ≠ knowing how to act under pressure. Let’s unpack why this gap exists—and how to bridge it.
The Myth of “Common Sense” in Scary Situations
Children aren’t miniature adults. Their brains are still developing the ability to assess risks, regulate emotions, and problem-solve in real time. Dr. Laura Simmons, a child psychologist, explains: “When fear kicks in, the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for logical thinking—goes offline. Kids default to fight, flight, or freeze, and freeze is surprisingly common, especially in young children.”
This explains why my son stood motionless instead of reacting. He’d memorized our “stranger danger” rules, but panic overrode his training. Similarly, kids might forget to scream “fire” during a drill or hesitate to call 911 because they’re overwhelmed by adrenaline.
Why Our Lessons Don’t Stick (and How to Fix Them)
1. We Teach in Calm Moments, But Fear Feels Different
Discussing emergencies at the dinner table isn’t enough. Kids need practice under simulated stress. Role-playing scenarios—like pretending to get lost or encountering a suspicious person—helps build muscle memory. Start with low-pressure games (“Let’s play ‘What If?’”) and gradually increase realism.
2. We Focus on “Don’ts” Instead of “Dos”
Telling kids “Don’t talk to strangers” leaves them unsure about acceptable interactions. Instead, teach specific actions:
– If someone you don’t know approaches you, take three big steps back.
– Find a mom with kids or a store employee if you’re lost.
– Yell “I need help!” instead of just screaming.
3. We Underestimate the Power of Repetition
One conversation about fire safety won’t cut it. Revisit scenarios regularly and adapt them as kids grow. A 5-year-old might need to practice dialing 911 on a toy phone, while a 10-year-old can learn to identify safe meeting spots in public places.
Age-Appropriate Strategies That Work
For Ages 4–6:
– Use stuffed animals or dolls to act out scenarios. (“What should Teddy do if he can’t find his mom?”)
– Teach a simple rhyme: “No, Go, Yell, Tell” (Say “no,” go somewhere safe, yell for help, tell a trusted adult).
– Identify “safe strangers” visually (e.g., store clerks with name tags).
For Ages 7–10:
– Practice memorizing a parent’s phone number through songs or games.
– Role-play assertive responses: “I need to check with my dad first.”
– Discuss digital safety (e.g., what to do if a pop-up appears on a tablet).
For Tweens/Teens:
– Teach situational awareness: Scanning exits in buildings, trusting gut feelings about uncomfortable situations.
– Discuss bystander intervention techniques. (“If you see someone being bullied, how can you help safely?”)
– Normalize calling for help, even if it feels “embarrassing.”
The Real Secret: Making Safety a Family Language
What finally worked for my family? Turning preparedness into teamwork. We now:
– Debrief “close calls” calmly. After my son’s scare, we discussed what happened without shame. “What felt hard? What could we try next time?”
– Create “family codes.” A secret word for emergencies, hand signals for crowded places.
– Celebrate small wins. When my daughter remembered to check in at a designated spot during a hike, we praised her critical thinking.
Child safety expert Mark Rivera puts it simply: “Kids rise to the level of their training, not their expectations.” By replacing assumptions with practice—and fear with empowerment—we give them tools to navigate a world that can’t be scripted.
Final Thought: It’s Never Too Late to Start
If your child freezes or makes a mistake, don’t panic. Use it as a teachable moment. After my son’s incident, we spent a week role-playing different scenarios. Now, he proudly announces, “If someone weird talks to me, I’ll do the big steps and loud voice!”
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Because when the next scary moment comes (and it will), preparation might just turn that deer-in-headlights freeze into a confident, life-saving action.
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