How a Random Reddit Comment Transformed My Parenting Journey
Let me take you back to 2009. My daughter, then a spirited 4-year-old, had just thrown herself onto the floor of a crowded playground, kicking and screaming because I’d said “no” to a second ice cream. I stood there, flushed with embarrassment, wondering where I’d gone wrong. Was I too strict? Too lenient? Was this just normal toddler behavior?
That night, exhausted and defeated, I stumbled onto a Reddit thread titled “Parenting Wins You’ll Never See on Social Media.” Buried between stories of sleepless nights and diaper disasters, a stranger’s comment stopped me mid-scroll:
“Stop praising outcomes. Start praising effort. It sounds simple, but it changes everything.”
At the time, I didn’t realize how profoundly this advice would reshape my relationship with my daughter—or how it would influence the person she’s become.
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The Praise Trap
Like most parents, I thought encouragement was the golden ticket to raising confident kids. I’d cheer, “You’re so smart!” when she solved a puzzle or gush, “Good job!” for every scribbled drawing. But Reddit’s anonymous wisdom made me rethink this approach. The commenter argued that generic praise (“You’re amazing!”) teaches kids to seek validation rather than embrace challenges. Instead, focusing on specific efforts (“I love how you kept trying different shapes until the blocks fit!”) fosters resilience.
Skeptical but desperate, I decided to test it. For two weeks, I stopped saying “good job” entirely. Instead, I asked questions:
– “What part of that drawing was the hardest for you?”
– “How did you figure out how to climb that ladder?”
– “What do you want to try next time?”
The shift was awkward at first. My daughter stared at me during a sidewalk chalk session and said, “Mommy, why are you talking like a teacher?” But slowly, something changed.
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Small Shifts, Big Results
One rainy afternoon, she spent an hour building a “castle” out of couch cushions, only to watch it collapse repeatedly. Pre-Reddit me would’ve said, “It’s okay—you’ll do better tomorrow!” But this time, I asked, “What do you think went wrong with the base?”
She paused, then declared, “The big pillow is too fluffy. I need something flat!” and ran to grab a board game box. The castle still wobbled, but she kept adjusting it—not for my approval, but because she wanted to solve the problem.
Over the years, this mindset became her default. In middle school, when she struggled with fractions, she didn’t say, “I’m bad at math.” Instead, she told me, “I need to practice regrouping numerators.” By high school, she’d joined robotics club, approaching setbacks with the same curiosity she’d once applied to cushion forts.
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Why “Effort Praise” Works
Psychology backs up that Reddit stranger’s advice. Studies show that children praised for effort (“You worked really hard on that!”) develop a “growth mindset”—the belief that skills can improve through practice. Those praised for inherent traits (“You’re so talented!”) often fear failure, interpreting mistakes as proof they’re “not good enough.”
But here’s what the research doesn’t capture: the quiet pride of watching your child grow into someone who values progress over perfection. Last month, my now-18-year-old said something that made me tear up: “Remember when I used to cry if my tower fell? Now I kinda love when things don’t work. It means I get to try a new way.”
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Passing It Forward
That Reddit comment vanished into the internet void long ago. I’ve tried (and failed) to find its author to say thank you. But the lesson stuck: Small, intentional changes in how we speak to kids can ripple through their lives in ways we’ll never fully see.
To any parent scrolling through sleepless nights or playground meltdowns, here’s what I wish I could’ve told my 2009 self:
1. Observe, don’t judge. Instead of labeling actions “good” or “bad,” describe what you see: “You stacked four blocks!”
2. Get curious. Ask open-ended questions that invite problem-solving.
3. Embrace the mess. Growth happens in the wobbles, not just the wins.
Fourteen years later, I still don’t have all the answers. But thanks to a stranger’s 30-second Reddit post, I learned to stop worrying about raising a “perfect” kid—and start raising one who isn’t afraid to fail. And really, what greater gift could we give them?
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